Sunday, 26 August 2007

A crashed white wall

It is so often that I find myself in the same situation...well past midnight, sleep remains a distant thought and the night seems like an abyss of sheer emptiness. Somewhere, there's a lull...something lacks, but I can't pin-point what it is. Something remains missing, but I dont understand what it can be. The night carries on, hours, minutes and seconds pass..and yet, time has stopped and dropped into a vaccuum. There is nothing to hold on to, there's nothing to shove, there's nothing to trigger movement or change. Life, in this dismally late hour of the night, is playing hide and seek, but I don't know where to look, or what to seek...


As a dreamy eyed youngster, a foggy "future" was always being formed in my head. Even if it was the next moment, the next month, a fast-forward film always ran through the frame of my developing mind. As time passed, the fog grew thicker and thicker, till one day I realised, that it no longer remained a fog, but had transformed into a blank white wall...it was solid and tangible...yet when I put myself out to feel it, the touch went through nothingness... Still, a raging young mind is unstoppable and unleashed. The wall of future-planning kept growing taller and taller...brick-like thoughts were cemented on with gullible determination, plastered together with amibtious clay. The whiteness remained, the thickness increased....

....till one day...with a hammer taller than any wall, stronger than any cement and more solid than any brick, a blow on that white wall, that had seemed so untagible at my touch, and quicker than a pack of cards, the fog that had transformed into a wall, came crashing down. What had taken months and years of mental meticulous labour, rumbled down, each brick of whiteness crumbling into myriads of broken shards...and the whiteness, well as the wall came down, a new fog was formed around the rubble...a grey mist of floating darkness....and the white was stained forever...


I still reach out sometimes, hoping for that intangible, and now shattered, wall to magically appear and solidify in front my mind's eye again. But its gone. All i see now is grey emptiness, which by every night passing, add the blackness and vastness of the sky to the grey mist. It will never be thick again, because bricks do not form anymore. It will never be tall again, because it can't bear the weight of its own past, and is too fragile for its present. The future, remains somewhere in the darkness...

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