As i'm very often reminded, I have a lot to do in life. A lot to accomplish, a lot to achieve and a hell of a lot to sort out. Everyday, when people tell me about the "things I have to do", somewhere at the back of my mind I pamper a thought...what is it that I want to do?
Finally, after years and months of rendering this thought, I thought I should actually visualise a list of the top things, in life, that I want to do.
Disclaimer: Some of this might seem lame, you can laugh, but then I'll have to kill you.
Anyway...here goes...
10. Go for a holiday on a quiet island, with lots of palm trees and little cottages. With helpful natives and no telephone network! Spend a summer there, not doing anything. Well...not doing anything useful, lets say.
9. Be able to round up enough courage to be able to sing in front of a crowd of people. Also, it would be nice to magically disappear after that, escaping the rotten eggs coming my way....
8. Have a proper conversation, maybe even spend a day, with someone famous, preferably someone in Media, and really get to know the secret to their success.
7. After 10 years of going different ways, be able to round up all my friends in one place and have a reunion. Perhaps even spend a weekend together holidaying in some resort, and reliving old times, while building new fond moments that will need to be remembered at the next reuinion!
6. Go on a back-packing trip across India with my cousin, and visit all those places i've always wanted to see. Of course, the funds, safety and hygenic conditions would just conviently appear...
5. Write a book...more importantly find at least 10 people who will want to read my book. Once they read it, I promise, i'll take the gun off their heads.
4. Stay in touch with my best friends forever...and ever and EVER.
3. Have a family of my own. Build a life with someone with whom I can talk to about anything, everytime, all the time! Someone who'll make me laugh, someone whose absense will make me want to cry, someone who will understand my neuroticism, and tolerate my insanity. Someone who'll let me weep on his shoulder for as long as I want, and someone who will love me for who I am. Ok, waking up now...moving on...
2. Be respected, if not that successful, in any career that I choose, and be satisfied with the profession I go into.
1. Build a house, and a home, in a good part of town...and build a life towards a "happily ever after".
I think now would be a good time to quote....
"Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so you shall become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil. "
By James Allen
Sunday, 26 August 2007
A crashed white wall
It is so often that I find myself in the same situation...well past midnight, sleep remains a distant thought and the night seems like an abyss of sheer emptiness. Somewhere, there's a lull...something lacks, but I can't pin-point what it is. Something remains missing, but I dont understand what it can be. The night carries on, hours, minutes and seconds pass..and yet, time has stopped and dropped into a vaccuum. There is nothing to hold on to, there's nothing to shove, there's nothing to trigger movement or change. Life, in this dismally late hour of the night, is playing hide and seek, but I don't know where to look, or what to seek...
As a dreamy eyed youngster, a foggy "future" was always being formed in my head. Even if it was the next moment, the next month, a fast-forward film always ran through the frame of my developing mind. As time passed, the fog grew thicker and thicker, till one day I realised, that it no longer remained a fog, but had transformed into a blank white wall...it was solid and tangible...yet when I put myself out to feel it, the touch went through nothingness... Still, a raging young mind is unstoppable and unleashed. The wall of future-planning kept growing taller and taller...brick-like thoughts were cemented on with gullible determination, plastered together with amibtious clay. The whiteness remained, the thickness increased....
....till one day...with a hammer taller than any wall, stronger than any cement and more solid than any brick, a blow on that white wall, that had seemed so untagible at my touch, and quicker than a pack of cards, the fog that had transformed into a wall, came crashing down. What had taken months and years of mental meticulous labour, rumbled down, each brick of whiteness crumbling into myriads of broken shards...and the whiteness, well as the wall came down, a new fog was formed around the rubble...a grey mist of floating darkness....and the white was stained forever...
I still reach out sometimes, hoping for that intangible, and now shattered, wall to magically appear and solidify in front my mind's eye again. But its gone. All i see now is grey emptiness, which by every night passing, add the blackness and vastness of the sky to the grey mist. It will never be thick again, because bricks do not form anymore. It will never be tall again, because it can't bear the weight of its own past, and is too fragile for its present. The future, remains somewhere in the darkness...
As a dreamy eyed youngster, a foggy "future" was always being formed in my head. Even if it was the next moment, the next month, a fast-forward film always ran through the frame of my developing mind. As time passed, the fog grew thicker and thicker, till one day I realised, that it no longer remained a fog, but had transformed into a blank white wall...it was solid and tangible...yet when I put myself out to feel it, the touch went through nothingness... Still, a raging young mind is unstoppable and unleashed. The wall of future-planning kept growing taller and taller...brick-like thoughts were cemented on with gullible determination, plastered together with amibtious clay. The whiteness remained, the thickness increased........till one day...with a hammer taller than any wall, stronger than any cement and more solid than any brick, a blow on that white wall, that had seemed so untagible at my touch, and quicker than a pack of cards, the fog that had transformed into a wall, came crashing down. What had taken months and years of mental meticulous labour, rumbled down, each brick of whiteness crumbling into myriads of broken shards...and the whiteness, well as the wall came down, a new fog was formed around the rubble...a grey mist of floating darkness....and the white was stained forever...
I still reach out sometimes, hoping for that intangible, and now shattered, wall to magically appear and solidify in front my mind's eye again. But its gone. All i see now is grey emptiness, which by every night passing, add the blackness and vastness of the sky to the grey mist. It will never be thick again, because bricks do not form anymore. It will never be tall again, because it can't bear the weight of its own past, and is too fragile for its present. The future, remains somewhere in the darkness...
Thursday, 16 August 2007
Loner or Private?
I stayed home alone today, much to my desire, to cherish that "me-time" that I so rarely get these days. I absolutely love my extended family and love sitting around them with hours of chat sessions, but then, I also value my space and the time I spent alone...even if that time is wondering where in the blue-blazers the rest of the people are and why am I not being called to attend some college party!!
Anyway, after a month or so of living in a full house with family, 24/7 might I add, the only time alone that one gets is when you convince the rest of them that your staying home alone is as essential as food at a party! My saving factor is the fact that I have exams coming up again in about a month, and technically i'm supposed to be studying! Ok, being less harsh on myself, I really am studying...but heck, a girl needs a break! Thing is, even if i'm home alone getting bored and studying, I'd much rather choose this to being around people and socialising. This queer choice that I happen to be making really makes me think...are we starting to enjoy our space and solidarity so much that we're ready to give up on company as a trade-off? Are we turning into regular loners?
It is an undeniable fact that life has become rather busy and challenging, and socialising is expected out of a regular young person. It's something taken for granted...you're just expected to be around people..family, relatives, friends, collegues. Sometimes, there are times when too many people around for too much time starts to get rather overwhelming, if not suffocating...and the simple remedy of having some alone-time is often not a luxury people can choose or afford. But is it so wrong when someone does?
When did u last hear a person say "leave me alone" and people have done just that without either being too concerned or too offended? It has come to the point where being alone has become a treat, like a creamy chocolate cake, asking for it makes you feel guilty and not having it makes u crave for it! In such instances, the only solution that I have been able to figure out is to sugar-coat ( yes..i happen to like sweetness...) the requests for privacy and choose ur words right! Do u think if i'd told my parents that I want to stay home because I need some time to myself away from them, that they'd actually let me stay? Of course not! Even if they would let me stay, i'd have to hear an earful...for eternity!! So I chose the more logical option, studying! This way, I'd feed my ever-so-hungry conscience and get some work done, and also get to stay home alone! Victory was knocking on my privacy-deprived doorstep right when I laid eyes on that Maths book! Of course, right behind that victory, I also felt a gagging sensation at the very sight of intergration, but that's another story...
Then again, what is the line between wanting to stay alone at times and turning into a loner? Recalling another time, I was asked to go to party with a few friends, and I kid you not, I didnt want to go cuz that would involve actually meeting people and socialising! Maybe its just me who's the neurotic case, but how do I explain the difference between me and someone who doesnt want people because he just enjoys his own company? When is it that we cross the line from wanting privacy to only having privacy?
As I've come to realise, socialising isnt that bad, and its not really an obligation or expectation, its society's way of protecting you really. Its the protection that tries to shield people from loneliness and every-man-for-himself behaviour. Its life's way of telling you to just go out and there and let yourself be, and people will absorb you into their lives. Loners may pride their freedom, independence and privacy but they also lack the choice of being otherwise when wanted. The line between wanting me-time and loner is thin yet, its not a frontier, and people are always welcome on either sides. Catch is, there is no-one to recieve you on the latter side!
All said...i'm going back to enjoying my peaceful home...and waiting for people to come back, so I can be around them again! Yes...i'm a living contradiction and I love it!
Anyway, after a month or so of living in a full house with family, 24/7 might I add, the only time alone that one gets is when you convince the rest of them that your staying home alone is as essential as food at a party! My saving factor is the fact that I have exams coming up again in about a month, and technically i'm supposed to be studying! Ok, being less harsh on myself, I really am studying...but heck, a girl needs a break! Thing is, even if i'm home alone getting bored and studying, I'd much rather choose this to being around people and socialising. This queer choice that I happen to be making really makes me think...are we starting to enjoy our space and solidarity so much that we're ready to give up on company as a trade-off? Are we turning into regular loners?It is an undeniable fact that life has become rather busy and challenging, and socialising is expected out of a regular young person. It's something taken for granted...you're just expected to be around people..family, relatives, friends, collegues. Sometimes, there are times when too many people around for too much time starts to get rather overwhelming, if not suffocating...and the simple remedy of having some alone-time is often not a luxury people can choose or afford. But is it so wrong when someone does?
When did u last hear a person say "leave me alone" and people have done just that without either being too concerned or too offended? It has come to the point where being alone has become a treat, like a creamy chocolate cake, asking for it makes you feel guilty and not having it makes u crave for it! In such instances, the only solution that I have been able to figure out is to sugar-coat ( yes..i happen to like sweetness...) the requests for privacy and choose ur words right! Do u think if i'd told my parents that I want to stay home because I need some time to myself away from them, that they'd actually let me stay? Of course not! Even if they would let me stay, i'd have to hear an earful...for eternity!! So I chose the more logical option, studying! This way, I'd feed my ever-so-hungry conscience and get some work done, and also get to stay home alone! Victory was knocking on my privacy-deprived doorstep right when I laid eyes on that Maths book! Of course, right behind that victory, I also felt a gagging sensation at the very sight of intergration, but that's another story...
Then again, what is the line between wanting to stay alone at times and turning into a loner? Recalling another time, I was asked to go to party with a few friends, and I kid you not, I didnt want to go cuz that would involve actually meeting people and socialising! Maybe its just me who's the neurotic case, but how do I explain the difference between me and someone who doesnt want people because he just enjoys his own company? When is it that we cross the line from wanting privacy to only having privacy?
As I've come to realise, socialising isnt that bad, and its not really an obligation or expectation, its society's way of protecting you really. Its the protection that tries to shield people from loneliness and every-man-for-himself behaviour. Its life's way of telling you to just go out and there and let yourself be, and people will absorb you into their lives. Loners may pride their freedom, independence and privacy but they also lack the choice of being otherwise when wanted. The line between wanting me-time and loner is thin yet, its not a frontier, and people are always welcome on either sides. Catch is, there is no-one to recieve you on the latter side!
All said...i'm going back to enjoying my peaceful home...and waiting for people to come back, so I can be around them again! Yes...i'm a living contradiction and I love it!
Monday, 13 August 2007
Interests and Obsessions
Having recently been very inspired by Carrie Bradshaw, I have an urge to write in that carefree yet meaningful fashion. For all those unfortunate ignorant souls, Ms.Bradshaw is the protagonist of an almost-cult, and rather addictive, television show, Sex and the City.
Since I dont live in New York, and since my experience in writing about sex...or ahem, the act itself, is rather...lets say...negligent, i'll choose my own expertise, my own city, and my own eccentricities. In a world where having hands filled with a variety of interests and time-fillers is the norm, it is rather tricky to pin-point that one thing that I can consider myself experienced enough to actually write about. For that matter, do any of us have any expertise on anything that we indulge in on a day to day basis? Leaving the humdrum proffessioble babble aside, what is it that we really like doing?
We all set about on a busy work day, going through mindless chores just the way they are meant to be done...mindlessly! In those rare moments when time seems to have broken away from its cold-hearted rigour and decides to pity us with a moment of peace, we turn to our interests...some of which are rather, well, interesting!
I believe that a person's interests tell a lot about the person himself ( oh heck, or herself!). For instance, there is a friend of mine who enjoys rating and organising his movies. His methodical lists of hundreds of movies take up a lot of his time and what's left of his energy! Not only does this intriguing way of spending his precious free hours tell me about his manic love for cinema, but it also alludes to the almost anal obsession with wanting to do things a certain way, in a certain organised fashion. Having said that, this is also the guy whose closet resembles a city-dump, and who cribs about coming to class, cuz god-forbid, he'll have to get out of bed for that!
Moral of that story, interests say a lot about the person, but do not necessarily point out the contradictions.
Not only do interests tell me about the people, they also reflect how much time that particular individual is willing to actually pursue that interest! For reasons still unknown to me, I once had a friend who loved to just groom her horse for hours..on ANY day. Not only that, she basically cancelled all our weekend plans to spend time with the horse. Of course, she entered competitions and won...but that's besides the point. The rather crooked point here is, when is it that an interest crosses that invisible line and becomes an obsession? That's a biggy...right up there with when will there be peace in the world?
A simple answer, as long as the interest doesn't become addictive or has visible changes on your lifestyle, and you dont feel mentally and emotionally dependent on it, its healthy. If not, danger looms ahead...and if that sounded lame and melodramatic, try asking those regretfully recovering internet addicts who've spent hours online, just to stay online, while modifying their lives in such a way that staying online becomes a priority! Having suffered from that already, I solemnly agree, that any activity which becomes is addictive ( even if its watching the lovely satc!) needs to be thought over.
Moral being, interests as interests are acceptable and rather necessary, obsessions and addictions on the contrary, are plain unhealthy. That friend of mine, dunno where she is now, but i'm sure her horse knows more about her than any other human, or human resembling, being.
Of course, there are some interests that not only benefit the person with the interest, but also others around. I personally, like people with such interests! Jokes aside, and yes if you haven't realised it yet here's a blatant hint that i've been adding humour here and there, there are hobbies and interests which are just fun to play along with. Another blessed soul, friend of mine, loves to try out new dishes and feed people. Now, free food and a welcome host is like a magnet, and when that is combined with actual talent for the chou, people go flocking towards him! Obviously, that also has to do with the fact that students as a race go anywhere they get food...
Moral...oh there's no moral for this, just stick close to people with such scumptuous talents!
Anyways, I actually had fun writing utterly brainless junk in a Carrie Bradshaw manner. For all those truly rare readers of my blog, or those unfortunate souls who happen to stumble upon this pink thought-chucking-bin, or those I emotionally black-mail to read this, I think I'm gonna follow this style for a while. The usual life-is-my-enemy poems and writings will continue, but SATC writing is my new thing, so don't blame me, point that finger at Ms.Bradshaw please!
Since I dont live in New York, and since my experience in writing about sex...or ahem, the act itself, is rather...lets say...negligent, i'll choose my own expertise, my own city, and my own eccentricities. In a world where having hands filled with a variety of interests and time-fillers is the norm, it is rather tricky to pin-point that one thing that I can consider myself experienced enough to actually write about. For that matter, do any of us have any expertise on anything that we indulge in on a day to day basis? Leaving the humdrum proffessioble babble aside, what is it that we really like doing?
We all set about on a busy work day, going through mindless chores just the way they are meant to be done...mindlessly! In those rare moments when time seems to have broken away from its cold-hearted rigour and decides to pity us with a moment of peace, we turn to our interests...some of which are rather, well, interesting!
I believe that a person's interests tell a lot about the person himself ( oh heck, or herself!). For instance, there is a friend of mine who enjoys rating and organising his movies. His methodical lists of hundreds of movies take up a lot of his time and what's left of his energy! Not only does this intriguing way of spending his precious free hours tell me about his manic love for cinema, but it also alludes to the almost anal obsession with wanting to do things a certain way, in a certain organised fashion. Having said that, this is also the guy whose closet resembles a city-dump, and who cribs about coming to class, cuz god-forbid, he'll have to get out of bed for that!
Moral of that story, interests say a lot about the person, but do not necessarily point out the contradictions.
Not only do interests tell me about the people, they also reflect how much time that particular individual is willing to actually pursue that interest! For reasons still unknown to me, I once had a friend who loved to just groom her horse for hours..on ANY day. Not only that, she basically cancelled all our weekend plans to spend time with the horse. Of course, she entered competitions and won...but that's besides the point. The rather crooked point here is, when is it that an interest crosses that invisible line and becomes an obsession? That's a biggy...right up there with when will there be peace in the world?
A simple answer, as long as the interest doesn't become addictive or has visible changes on your lifestyle, and you dont feel mentally and emotionally dependent on it, its healthy. If not, danger looms ahead...and if that sounded lame and melodramatic, try asking those regretfully recovering internet addicts who've spent hours online, just to stay online, while modifying their lives in such a way that staying online becomes a priority! Having suffered from that already, I solemnly agree, that any activity which becomes is addictive ( even if its watching the lovely satc!) needs to be thought over.
Moral being, interests as interests are acceptable and rather necessary, obsessions and addictions on the contrary, are plain unhealthy. That friend of mine, dunno where she is now, but i'm sure her horse knows more about her than any other human, or human resembling, being.
Of course, there are some interests that not only benefit the person with the interest, but also others around. I personally, like people with such interests! Jokes aside, and yes if you haven't realised it yet here's a blatant hint that i've been adding humour here and there, there are hobbies and interests which are just fun to play along with. Another blessed soul, friend of mine, loves to try out new dishes and feed people. Now, free food and a welcome host is like a magnet, and when that is combined with actual talent for the chou, people go flocking towards him! Obviously, that also has to do with the fact that students as a race go anywhere they get food...
Moral...oh there's no moral for this, just stick close to people with such scumptuous talents!
Anyways, I actually had fun writing utterly brainless junk in a Carrie Bradshaw manner. For all those truly rare readers of my blog, or those unfortunate souls who happen to stumble upon this pink thought-chucking-bin, or those I emotionally black-mail to read this, I think I'm gonna follow this style for a while. The usual life-is-my-enemy poems and writings will continue, but SATC writing is my new thing, so don't blame me, point that finger at Ms.Bradshaw please!
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