Its all about Love and Hate

The process of getting to know new people is amazingly intriguing. People are capable of surprising you when you are at your unsuspecting best. This is the time when you're fairly vulnerable and at the same time attempt to be guarded. Its the uncertainty of emotions, of reactions, of assumptions, that make this process so mysteriously appealing.

I have started noticing two main emotions around me. Love and Hate. The reason I use such strong words is because, even if its just the start of these emotions, like seeds, I predict and firmly believe that it takes such a matter of time for these emotions to intensify and justify the names. I'm noticing positivity and negativity all around me, and luckily, the positivity outshines the negativity by a staggering margin.

Small things make my heart warm up these days, or go cold. Like, the brush of a guy's finger, gently against those of the girl he likes. The soft touch, the look in their eyes, the moment they share, the smiles which say everthing, the warmth that they exude, which makes you feel like you're intruding on them by just looking at their harmless smiles. Its love. It makes me smile to look at. It gives me a mushy feeling, and it makes me believe in the magic of love even more.

Then there are the sights which make my heart go cold. Like, walking back home, I witness a girl running, being chased closely by a guy, who tries to get hold of her. He finally grabs her arm, and she stops, and looks back, with tears in her eyes, pushes him away, turns around and walks straight ahead. The guy stands there, the look of helplessness clear on his face, and then yells, out, "Its bye then, please try not to hate me too much." Then he watches her walk away, and slowly, turns and walks in the other direction. I stood there, a little distance from them, and watch them both go in different directions, and become very aware of the fact that I just witnessed a relationship end. Sad, is the only way that moment can be described.

These new emotions are around me all the time, and I'm just savouring them all in my mind. Keeping a collage of memories, of moments, which make up for some interesting thinking, and some much needed perspective to life.

Catching up...

I feel I owe this space some of my time. I feel like there is a lot that has to be said. I feel like there is a lot that I haven't been writing about, for the sheer reason that it is a lot, and I was at a loss for words. I did not know where to begin, what to say, and what to leave behind. I guess I'll just have to make the best of that and write whatever in this point seems most relevant, even if, over course of the last few months, this has not been the most relevant happening...

Life has a rather strange way of taking turns. Its overwhelming really, how quickly and drastically twists appear, how the road curves, how the paths change, how new destinations are found, how detours are taken, and most importantly, how new fellow travellers are found, and how old ones still accompany us in the quest for that final place...

Its been a little over 2 months now, that I've started my MBA education at the Institute of Management Technology, Dubai. All those months of thoughtlessness, restlessness and aimlessness came to a crashing halt when I stepped foot into the classroom on the first day. I found my aim, I found new people and I found how I wanted these next 2 years to be. Because of the year of nothingness, what I have now is acquired treasure. Every person I talk to, has a story to tell. Every day is a learning process, a new experience. Every class I attend acts like a cure for my rusting mind, and triggers the fire that simmed down for sometime. I can almost feel myself come alive, I thrive in the company of the new people and I strive to revive the spirit that got lost somewhere over the years..

The most relevant factors in my life currently, are my new friends. I'd forgotten just how interesting new friendships are. Just when I start to think that I know how people behave and I understand the nature of different individuals, I'm shaken and stirred, and made to rethink of all those things that I thought were correct. Its quite an humbling experience really, when you realise that your learning process has just touched the chip of the iceberg of understanding, and there's a mountain underneath, still waiting to be explored. People's behaviour, reactions, interactions, beliefs, values, personalities, quirks...they just simply amaze me. I've said this to the very same people enough times, that everyday I feel like an infant taking her first precarious steps to discover the simplicity of walking. It feels like I had forgotten how to take the first steps, and now I'm going back to the basics.

Another very interesting thing that has happened, is a change in my own personality. I sometimes observe myself, a bystander observing a street-show. I see myself as the main player, and yet cannot relate to the person I see. The protagonist in the play is a stranger, someone with overwhelming energy and enthusiasm, with thirst for a life and an unchallenged positivity. I still cannot understand how the observer and the actor could be the same person. I cannot fathom how the bridge between the two people was built and I fail to comprehend the catalysts behind the change. All the sense I can make out of it is that possibly some part of my mind decided that it was enough, and something had to be done, and another part reacted to that, some reaction took place, and the change happened. I think it will take me sometime to get complete clarity, be able to merge the observer and the protagonist completely and to be able to stop doubting the very evident transformation.

That is all that I want to say for now. I'm going to leave, with a song, that is very relevant with my thoughts these days...

Katra katra milti hai,

Katra katra jeene do,

Zindagi hai, zindagi hai,

behne do, behne do,

pyaasi hoon main, pyaasi rehne do..

Halke halke kohre ke dhuen mein,

shayad aasmaan tak aa gayi hoon,

teri do nigaahon ke sahare,

dekho toh kahan tak aa gayi hoon,

kohre mein, behne do,

pyaasi hoon main pyaasi rehne do...

( lyrics by Gulzar)

For the love of Delhi

As the car tyres screech through the roads of Central Delhi, crossing well-known locations like the India Gate, Rashtrapati Bhavan, Jantar Mantar, Connaught Place, the thrill I feel is undescribable. The roads at night gleam with golden lights, and flickering lights from the few cars on the roads. The vastness of the roads embrace the speed of the moving vehicle. The breeze kisses my face with the smell of the freshly wet mud after a dose of random rain. The sky is a shade or dark orange and the horizon shows the thousands and millions of bulbs that cover the city in a warm blanket. The shiver that runs down by back is calmed by the sight of a mother holding her toddler tight to warm the little doll up. We stop at Kevender's and swollow in the deliciousness of cold milk shakes, served in heavy glass bottles. I walk a few steps farther, and witness the emptiness of Delhi at night, and the feeling I get can not be described as anything short of blissful love.

Its been almost a fortnight since I've been here, and somehow I did not even realise it. Time does a funny disappearing act in this place, which never fails to amuse or amaze me. Mornings merge into afternoons which merge into evenings with such seamless ease, that all I can do is just flow with the movement of time. Its almost like I'm removed from the goings on, and floating through space and time, letting them take their own course, just letting things happen. And the surprising thing is, they actually do. Everything just happens, and I am left wondering how and by what force. Time is an independent entity here, and controls you more than you can control what you do with it.

The energy that swarms around the place is unparalled. I suddenly get the feeling that all the cells, protons, neutrons, eletrons, in my body have gone on crack and are completely going beserk. They're acting like restless 3 year olds after 50 doses of sugar. So I have the need and desire to constantly do something, say something, write something. The motivation is unprecendented and the willingness to work hard, absolutely alien and rather alarming.

Every inch of my soul is loving every fraction of a second that I spend here, and I'm glad this magical city has enough time to completely enchant me. Time is on my hands, or rather, I have left myself at the hands of time, while I glide through the enchantment that the city has cast upon my unassuming self...

Yeh Delhi Hai Mere Yaaaar!

( Title translation: This is Delhi my friend!)

There are just some places that inspire you. They inspire you to think, they inspire you to observe, to draw, to talk, to learn, to write. My city, Delhi, is one such place. The car ride from the airport to home was enough to make me want to say something. It was enough for the sleeping writer in some corner of my being to wake up, and have the desire, or rather, need to write. There's just so much to say!

A mere example, the order in the chaos of Delhi intrigues me. There are people E-v-e-r-y-where, but goodness, every person has character. Every movement has meaning, every disorder has reason, every situation has a solution. Every visual image has a story to tell. The posters on the street lamps show a picture of some lady religious guru with a big bindi. It announces her birthday "pooja" (prayer). Somewhere else, a man serves water from a big container covered in red cloth, with some lemons and leaves on top. I turn my head once again, and a person selling magazines is running between the cars, fearless and persistent. I look around the other cars on the street, and among the scores that surround me, I see activity in almost all.

People's actions interest me. Living outside India for so long, you tend to forget these little nuances, that really catch your eye when you see them again. Like, while passing in front of a temple, my little 12 year old cousin instinctively folded her hands and closed her eyes, something which I recall doing as well but have lost the habit long back. Then, the way strangers just interact with each other. Every second person, who's a man and slightly looks older becomes "bhaiya" (brother), or if he looks a lot older becomes "uncle". The immediate familiarity makes an interaction so much easier and pleasurable, that despite the formality and purely functional reason for the interaction, there is some marginal level of bonding. It's just a feel-good pheonomenon.

There's conversation everywhere. There's movement everywhere. There's sound everywhere. The laughter of the group of teenagers at the mall sharing a pizza, has the same sound has that of the men on the street corner playing a game of cards and sharing their stories of the day. The couple in the restaurant have the same look when they look at each other as that of the one sitting outside on the pavement. Money is a mere token, as it should be. Happiness is the real wealth. In the general sense of the word, India is a poor nation, and it shows, everywhere. But when measured in Happiness, I can proudly rate India very high!

As the colours of Delhi seep through my inexperienced optical nerves, the exhilirations soars through me, and I live through the madness of the city. As my eyes see more, my hands feel more, my ears hear more, I will write more. For now, I'm just going to go back to my blissful admiration of my city.

Yeh Delhi hai mere yaar,
Bas ishq mohabbat pyaaaaar...

Family Noise

For the 2 and a half people who've noticed my absence from this space, its because I was overwhelmed with Family and visitors for the last couple of months. And when I wasn't surrounded by that mayhem, I was recovering or doing my other most favourite thing to do these days (NOT), Job hunting!

Anyway, back to the topic of an over-bearing family. There was a time, long long LONG, time back, I mean it almost feels like another era altogether, when I was actually so involved with weavings of family happenings and politics, that it felt rather natural to have all the drama going on at all times. So involved was I, that a peaceful non-controversial, unexciting day was the hardest and longest thing to go through. Then, I was uprooted from the midst of the family forrest, to a "family draught" infested region. That was the place where I just craved to be around the noise and chaos again. It was moving from a bird sanctuary to the Antartica. From chirping and movement, to such a still that I could hear the twig, a mile away, break.

So well, as life is, you get acclamatised to even the most ruthless conditions, and eventually the quiet started to sound almost musical, and necessary. Then, when at certain intervals, the noise broke out, it was welcome only for that time being, because I knew I'd be going back to my quiet again. And then catastrophe struck. I was thrown in the midst of roaring lions...next to a birdcage....the noise levels have just sky-rocketed and I even need a sound blocker to hear my own thoughts. Well, I guess I will get used to the overwhelmingly overbearing situation, but cannot promise to stay sane.

Hence, the absence was absolutely excusable. The herd that came charging at me has left me breathless ...and i'm still trying to find my bearings. Need time. Need Quiet. Shh....quite now...yes...thank you...

Hey! I said QUIET!