Stages of my anger.

Note: Had written this at 3 am, but got yelled at by mom for staying up that late, so posting it first thing in the morning. Yes, I'm actually awake at 10.30. The world is cruel.

When the world sleeps, I seem to get energised and motivated for some reason. My brain begins to race, and my heart begins to pump, as ideas come storming into my under-utilised head. While the rest of the day I put my mind to a deep slumber, it's at night when there's silence around, and a nagging guilt of pending sleep, that I get most charged up to write. Regardless of any worthwhile content.

I argued with Mr.A today. Nothing new, we argue all the time, mostly over the most insignificant little issues. It takes a few words from me, and few replies from him, we huff and puff in annoyance, and are laughing again within the next 10 minutes. Admittedly, I have a lot more of such meagre issues than he does, being the complicated wreck that I am. Distance doesn't help either. Most of our biggest arguments have been on the phone, or when we don't talk for long. Misunderstandings and miscommunication tend to be artificially enlarged when the person is not in front of you.

So anyway, it has been around 9 days since I'm away from Italy, and as expected, my frustration of being alone and away gets translated into sentiments of abandonment and I drown myself in self pity. Nobody cares about me. Nobody writes to me. Nobody texts me. Nobody remembers me. Nobody even reads my blog (sob sob). These are just some of the familiar thoughts that encircle my tormented mind. So who do I usually dump these thoughts and feelings on? My dearest friend, Mr.A. When he's with me, most of the times, he just hugs me and tells me to shut up. The hug does the trick, all's well and good. But then, there are those unfortunate times, when he's not there in person. These are the times when I growl like a vicious mongrel, hiss like a troubled cat and bare teeth like a wild chimp. It takes only a tiny trigger to make me take those claws out (talking metaphorically here, for those hiding their faces) and dig them where it hurts. All those pent-up feelings come soaring out in the form of unreasonable anger and I roar like a hungry lion(ness).

Anyway, my usual reaction after the thunderous outburst, is to storm off (usually hang up the phone, or go offline). Then comes the phase when the adrenalin starts to wear off, and anxiety starts to crawl up. Does nobody really care? Does nobody notice that I'm upset and angry? Why isn't anyone bothering to ask me? Why doesn't someone call or message to see if i'm still angry? Why why why? Oh, I was right, nobody really cares after all! I revel in those same feelings of self pity, and often burst into angry tears. Oh, how they flow, effortlessly and endlessly.

Now, Mr.A is one smart cookie. He knows me to my very core, can predict my every move, probably can even tell what fingernail I broke! He knows very well that I'll sulk for sometime, then cool off and call right back, usually to yell some more about not having recieved a consoling phonecall. So he waits. He waits till I cool down, till the anger subsides, till the storm passes, till the breathing resumes its normal pace. He knows I'll call or text or something, so he waits. Predictable that I am (to him, cuz I can't even surprise him anymore), I call, and I yell some more. Those proverbial claws scratch some more, then fold right back. He laughs at my predictability, tells me not to be silly, and that he obviously does care, and I melt. I laugh along, at him, at myself. At the situation in general. Anger gone, frustration gone. The world suddenly becomes a better place, and I suddenly become a happier person.

Today he was a bit more clever though. He left a comment on my blog, in other words, hit the nail on the head. And what did I do? Well, I burst out laughing at just how well someone can read my thoughts.

For now, free of anger...