Friday, 29 February 2008

Moments after Death (fiction)

I still remember the sight when I first entered her room. The redness of her blood impregnated everything and it all radiated in a crimson shade of light. She lay there, on the floor, her body face down, arm stretched out and wrist slit. The moment halted, and time came to a surprising stand-still, as I absorbed the image in my mind. The stillness of her body, the river of blood, the peace on her face, the blood-bathed sheet of paper lying next to her and the knife...the culprit. In that moment, I already knew that I'd lost my best friend forever.

What happened next is still hazy. I can recall snapping out of my daze, and rushing forward. I could not feel the grief then, it was just hysteria. I turned her, I shook her, I took her blood-soaked arm and tried to find a pulse. I couldn't. Her eyes remained shut. She did not breathe. It was over.

It felt like a huge arm had clamped around my throat, and it was suffocating me. I fell back and sat still. Slowly, I reached out and dialled the number of the ambulance from my cellphone. How I remembered the number in that moment, I don't know. How I could make my fingers move, I cannot imagine. What I said on the phone, I cannot remember. The call ended, and I just sat there, unaware of anything. The imaginary arm relaxed, enough to let me breathe.

The sight before my eyes did not change, even the blood seemed to have frozen. I noticed that she had been wearing her favourite pink pyjamas. They were stained now. I observed that her hair was unruly, as if it hadn't been brushed for a few days. She'd probably just ruffled it, like she did when she cried. I saw the bracelet on her un-cut wrist, which had her initials NM strung together on a black thread. It was made of beads, five different colours. I cannot remember the colours now, but I remember they were very bright. She used to call it the Rainbow bracelet and she said she wore it because looking at the brightness gave her a reason to be cheerful. I looked around her, and saw the drenched piece of paper. I reached out and picked it up, and let the blood drip off. Then I read it.

It said...
I don't know who will see this letter first, so I don't know who to address it to. Whoever it is, I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I genuinely regret for anyone to see such a sight. You will not be able to forget this for maybe the rest of your life, but then, maybe that is what I want. I know that if you are the first one to see this, you probably know me, and all my life i've always wished to be in someone's thoughts forever. So, along with the apologies, I also thanking you, for fulfilling this desire of mine. Just to make things clear, this actually is a suicide. I will not rant about how sad I was or what a bitch life has been. I think this scene itself proves that, I don't need to put it in words. However, I want to say that I really did try. Don't judge me, and don't hate me.

If there is anything life has taught me, it is to keep trying till you die. I kept trying, but I'm choosing to die now. There comes a point in everyone's life when you seek eternal peace. I'm going in search of that peace, which no matter how hard I try, life will never be able to give me. I saw this knife today, and it screamed of peace, and the sound was so loud, I just could not ignore it. I decided to take this step because the silence offered by that noise was really irrisistible. The knife's shine is calling me, hollering for me to experience that end. It is magnetic and I cannot resist the pull much longer. I'm going to let it win, because I'm greedy for the reward. I beg you, don't judge me, please don't judge me.

I'm leaving behind a lot. There are people who love me, and will be destroyed by what i've done. But i've gone my whole life choosing my actions according to what others want from me, and now I just want to do what I want to do. I have put the most important people in my life as a priority, even before my own needs, and I don't regret that at all. I just want to put myself first now. It is selfish, but I have to do it. Maybe now, I will be a priority too. I lived like an option my whole life, it's time for a change now. There is only one person who has the slightest hint of this. I know he will try to stop this. I just want to explain to him, that there is nothing he could have done. I know he will miss me, and my heart weeps at the idea of what i'm doing to him. I'm sorry, but I cannot anymore. It's too hard. Just too hard. And now, the knife awaits me, it is asking me to succumb, and i'm going to give in. Please don't hate me... Naina



I don't know what I could have done and what I couldn't have. Now it did not matter. She'd ask me to not hate her, so I won't. Maybe this is the only thing I can do now.

The next few hours zoomed by. Paramedics came and took her away. It was over.

The redness blackened,
the light darkened,
the room emptied, a life just ended,
and with it, a part of my soul disappeared forever.

5 comments:

AR said...

thank god for that (fiction) in the title...for a second i was like, whatttt?

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