Betrayal

A lump somewhere,
An effort to breathe,
A suppressed sigh,
A misplaced tear.

A constant struggle,
A fight from within,
An ache to smile,
A damaged, dismal heart.

A rude awakening,
An ignorant dream broken,
A promise not kept,
A traumatic loss.

It's a funny feeling,
That of Betrayal,
I want to detach and live,
But I know, and always will,
That a part of me is forever gone.

Somewhat conclusion..

Its almost tradition.
During every single exam session, I turn almost instinctively to my beloved blog, where I've poured my woes and troubles and some cheer. From the time I started writing here, exam times have inspired the deepest thoughts, the most random observations and the most dedicated writing. Perhaps, it has something to do with my uncontrollable urge to procrastinate, which makes my creative juices ooze out of my free-flowing veins, and words swoon out, like the notes of a classical melody. I come here again, to escape from the dreaded academic textbooks, from the looming doom of an impending exam, from the lack of sheer motivation and from the guilt which devours my every moment. I come here, for refuge, for creativity, to save my mind from the rusting clutches of theories and dull rules. I come here, to escape, from the wandering thoughts, which get energized due to the drab nature of the books. I come here, to do what I love.

Over the course of last month, I have been forced to do a lot of thinking, about people, about friendship, about how I value people, and how much they value me. And the end of all that thinking I came to the conclusion that....To Hell With It! All my thinking does is make me trapped and sunk deeper and deeper into my own thoughts, my own inhibitions, my own insecurities. My mom has on occasion said to me, that I take life too seriously. Now, after years and years of thinking and pondering and sighing and not really reaching to any solid conclusion, I realize that she is absolutely right. I do take life too seriously, and in the process, miss out on all the less-serious aspects of it. Heck, I'm 23 in a week (couldn't help slipping the subtle hint about the nearness of my birthday :P) and all I think about or write about is life, people, relationships, etc etc. Good lord N, Chuck it!

So, on the brink of my 23rd birthday, I vow to myself, that I need to stop taking myself and my life so seriously. What will come, will come. What will happen, will happen. People who will stay, will stay, and those who won't, well its their loss. All the time and energy that I spend in making people stay, is so wasted, I realize, since the ones who're worth keeping, will stay without all the drama or the effort. They will stay because they want to, they will stay because they need to, they will stay because they know, that wherever they go, they will eventually come back. And if they leave, and do come back, that will be my only vindication for the pain, the tears, the heartache.

And the insanity? the craziness? the quirks? Well, they'll remain a part of me. Where's the fun in sanity anyway? ;)

Retrospection

I love to write. I hate to read what I write.

Over the years I've come to realize that my most powerful writing has been during times when I felt low and demoralized. Its during those times when I open my heart and pour it through my fingers into this blog. As a result of which, the most negative thoughts, the most cynical thoughts get written about. I'd like to believe that there is more to my thoughts than negativity, that there is more to me than lamenting, that I believe in more than just the ultimate doom. I'd like to believe that even those tough times have not made me into a pessimist and that there is still some bright thought left in me. I'd like to believe...

I just went back and read the posts I'd written a year back, around the same time this year. I astonish myself, and that's not only because I can write such dark stuff, its because at some point in my life I have actually thought that way. And to be very honest, there are times when I still do. Not much has changed about those bad times. The thoughts, the insecurities, the feelings...its all the same. What has changed however, is that I realise that its a phase. I also realise that I'm probably saying all this right now when my frame of mind is sane and optimistic, but I want to believe that somewhere deep down, I always know that its just a phase, and it will pass again. I want to believe that I'm better than my worst thoughts. I want make myself believe that there is still some positivity left in me.

Blessed

A friend told me a couple of days back, that I'm truly blessed. Made me think a lot about how and why he thinks that. Then I realized that I felt that too. Nothing specific happened, just moments and realizations that mean so much..

• I go around my room to find notes attached to my closets and drawers saying, "Keep Smiling"..placed there very discretely by a couple of my friends who decided to show up and my place to surprise me! The moment I saw them that day, made me feel blessed..
• The very firm knowledge of the fact that no matter what, my family is and will always be there for me.
• Getting a message which started with, "I was thinking of you yesterday....", reminds me that someone somewhere is thinking about me..
• The warmth of a tight bear hug.
• Having someone to wipe my tear.
• Hearing from someone else, that a friend told him I was special...and had to be made to feel that way.
• Feeling comfortable enough around a group of people to be at my silliest best.
• A smile, which says, I understand without your words.
• Being able to call someone in the middle of the night and be made to feel like it's absolutely fine..
• A friend breaking down because he can't see me going through a tough phase..
  
• When a friend understands that something is wrong, even when you just say "Hello" on the phone.
• The feeling, of bliss, when a group of friends stand around and simply laugh together...

I guess, for the time being, these are more than enough reasons to make me feel blessed. I live for these moments, I cherish them, I thrive in them and they make me feel alive...make me want to live...

The Bain that is Love

I don't exactly recall when it happened, but at some point in my life, Love ceased to be a pleasant, fuzzy, happy feeling and became a complex process of the Four Cs....control, consideration, compromise, care. The perception of love stopped being that of a fairy tale love story, but became more realistic and dimensional. The colors of pink and red got replaced by purples and blues, and suddenly the music in the background changed from being a happy duet to a retrospective ballad. It is rather sad, that I don't see love as unconditional and pure anymore, but more like a drug which consumes every inch of the body and soul and in the process of consumption slowly but surely finishes the person off.

Cynical. I call this view cynical and negative. But hello, open your eyes and look around. I see love cause a bubble of happiness, but very soon burst into a sea of tears. With that burst bubble, hearts break, self-images shatter into million shards and relationships fall apart like rickety boats in a storm. The starry eyed lovers soon realize that the stars were just sparks of the bullets shooting towards them, ready to scorch them into mangled corpses, left scarred for life.

And the Heart...oh the evil heart. The Heart plays the role of the plotter, the drug dealer of sorts, who entices the victim with the promise of a riveting high, the feeling of eternal bliss. The heart plays games of seduction, temptation and provocation, engaging people into senseless idiosyncrasies. Once the effect of the initial high subsides, the body and the mind feel a maddening craving, a desire for more. The moment of happiness becomes the addiction, the feeling of pleasure becomes the much wanted high. The heart plays the games, and the victims fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of emptiness, to then wake up one day and realize that the body and mind can take no more..that all the desire and need and want is a trick of the heart. What is left is a wrinkled body, a corrupted devastated mind, and a helpless heart.

Maybe I'm wrong.