Mirage

As an 11 year old, I remember being driven across miles of desert in the heat of the summer months. Across the blazing horizon, everything seemed to be the same, with a light brown dusty tedium and occasional sandy dunes, which seemed to give the impression of absolute nothingness. Though I didnt know it then, somewhere deep in my psyche this continuance engrained itself, to be expressed much later in new staining colors. However, right when everything seemed to be dipped in mundane constancy of dust, straight down the grey tarry road, I used to notice what seemed like a clear water lake. The fiery sunlight seemed to punch the ground with all its might, and seemed to bounce back in an agressive retaliation. The water-like body seemed to contain a calmness which was in sync with the general mood of the desert, and yet was so sparkly and fresh-looking, that the heat of the mid-summer desert seemed to be swept by an Arctic breeze. I remember wanting to speed up the car, and drive right through the middle of this light-lake, wanted to be lapped up in its glittery light. My desire to touch the watery mirage increased with every single time when it seemed to distance itself from the advancing vehicle. The distance remained and my thirst for the mirage was left unquenched...

Years later, looking at the clichéd "Big Picture", that thirst for the Mirage is still unquenched. With experience and repeated mistakes, i've learnt the basic lesson that there's always a Mirage in life, something that sparkles and attracts the naked eye. In the desert of everyday life, there's always that imaginary lake of light which tantalizingly invites me towards it. Its different from the rust and dust of routine, its schintillating brightness is a world apart from the suffocating dullness of repetitive days and nights and its inviting freshness has a welcoming warmth that is so enticing, one cant help but be blindingly drawn to it.

There's however a blaring fact that gets overshadowed by the brightness of the Mirage. Its simplicity is often greyed in the presence of the glitter. Its the fact that, despite its enticing realism, in spite of its oasis attraction..it remains a trick, a misinterpretation of reality. In stark reality, its inexistent. No matter how much it resembles a lake of opportunities, the truth is that is a deception that the eyes and a hungry-for-more mind play on the naive eyes and the gullible heart. While the earth, sand, dusty road and flatness of the land are tangible and reachable, this figment of a mistaken reality is what really pulls me towards it. The sand and the heat touch me, swarm around me, and yet I overlook all this and chase after the only image that is inexistent.

Over the years, and after many attempts at reaching this Mirage, the heart and the eyes have learnt their lesson. The glitter while still as bright, has been blanketed by the flying grains of sand. The desert has expanded and the road longer and wider. I still see the trick-oasis in the distance, but I've learnt to look away. I've come to accept the falseness of the ringer...though once in a while, that desire to grab hold of the sunshine-lake still arises and finds its way into the thirsty eyes. The thirst, which is now disguised with the water of acceptance, which is relieving, but still wanting what its thirsty for. The road extends long and wide, the heat slashes against the skin and the light is blinding...and the mirage stays...forever.

Wandering Mind

I'm in a very random thoughtful mood today. I was thinking ( yes, someone just told me thats always a good thing to do!), and as usual my mind was wandering into various different realms of my life. I have this annoying disobeying mind which chooses to travel to unnecessary distances and delve suffocatingly deep into strayed thoughts, only further complicating my already chaotic psyche...

Today, this mind wandered into the real meaning of people in my life. Must admit, this is one of the favourite places for my mind to escape to. Whenever life becomes even slightly stressful and frustrating, this nomad of a mind goes seeking for refuge in the deep rooted issues that determine the very crux of my existence. So, in its prefered place again, the silly thing dug up all those hidden questions, sentiments, doubts and emotions about myself and the people around me. Issues that I consciously keep firmly at bay just came swirling back in through the open abyss that the mind provided for them...

So here I am now...still looking for unanswerable questions...still searching for intangible solutions to completely mentally fabricated issues. I ask myself, what really Do people mean to me...and more importantly, or rather more selfishly...what do I mean to people I feel close to? How can I ever really know the answer to a question like this..and why i'm even asking this question is just beyond me! Its just one of those mysteries that you've just got to put faith on. No matter how much people say they love you and need you, there's no way to ever really get into their mind and get out their honest and pure feelings. Actions speak much louder than words, agreed, but what if even those actions are misleading? Even if they arent misleading, what if I just dont have enough understanding of people to interpret actions correctly?

Many people have often told me that i'm naive and trusting. After the countless times that i've gotten to hear that I can very easily trust anybody, I genuinely want to find out how can one really measure the amount of trust to be given to a person? I agree, sometimes there are obvious reasons not to do it, like past evidence that goes against the simple criteria behind trusting the person. But mostly, its almost impossible to really tell whom to put ur trust on, and whom not to. The only way in that case, is to just go by your instincts, and then if you make mistakes, you learn by those mistakes and use that as extra evidence for the future. And after all this mental speculation, when I do finally place my trust on a person, I expect for that trust never to be broken. However, as i've learnt so far, life has this mind-boggling way of shaking things up just when u're starting to relax about a decision like that. So, the rest of the time is gone in the constant fear of this rock-solid trust being broken and in a nerve-wracking anticipation of the moment in which i'd regret having ever placed such a binding trust upon that person.

Usually those who do break this blind trust, drift away from me and my life. The only real problem here is that, the more this thread of trust is broken, the more frayed the bond becomes, meaning that the more I encounter such situations, the more hesistant and resistant I become towards trusting people. The trickle of doubt is slowly growing into a ferocious sea of fear, which puts my mind into a tumultous storm. The same mind which went seeking for refuge is trapped into greater mazes of engulfing queries..leaving the issues at hand not solved, but in the midst of already entangled wires of unanswered issues.

Anyways, for now, i'll cage my mind back into the nitty-gritty realities of worldy routines, and place the roots of my psyche back where they belong...dug deep in some remote corner, where they are safely stored till I can actually find some answers for them! Or, then again, maybe they're just better off let loose.......

My Angels

I stop a second and look around,
halt the usual daily chores ,
Know I must, what have I today,
Before opening any other new doors.

My weakness lies in family alone,
at whom the world for me stops,
and strength is given by my friends,
who make even tears like honey-drops.

My friends, my life-saving drugs ,
In my mind's eyes I gather with care,
and proudly display to all today,
my angels, who are always there.

I begin with that one person,
who became my sane rock wall,
she was my source of stability,
my shield, my guide, my all.

Then came that disguised foe,
wearing the torturing mischief mask,
he took that off one random day,
and handed me the "best friend" task.

Following him, as closely as ever,
with a wit so sharp, and so bright a mind,
was to whom belonged my soft corner,
my deepest fondness and a faith quite blind.

With the last two, also followed,
an unwelcome stranger from far and long,
who settled into my life so soon and well,
like she'd been there from all along.

Then life took a crazy turn to find,
a sudden lapse in people to trust,
no one seemed to fit the places,
of the footprints in my heart's crust.

But then new steps were formed,
when by my luck I happily found,
with her wise thinking and deep emotion,
the elder sister I'd been looking around.

Closely came another such wonder,
who filled such joy in my lonely heart,
gave so much fondness and trust to me,
That no more from him can I live apart.

Finally came the surprising gift,
who was always there, but I failed to see,
he lends me the desperately needed ear,
a confidante, in him, I've found for me.

Thus I look at the kitty I hold,
of merry memories of fondness and love,
and blessed I truly feel right now,
for all these angels sent from above.

Neha

Fairy Tale Reality

We all heard stories as kids. The same old fairy tales which started with a lonely princess being trapped somewhere and one day a charming prince came from some enchanted land, rescued her, swept her off her feet and rode her away to happily ever after in a kingdom far...far...away...

Cut to Reality.

You grow up into this world, where everyone goes about their business as usual, everyone's trying to lead a good and respectable life, and everyone wants moments of peace and happiness in their mediocre, rather irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, Life. You're not the trapped princess in a tower maybe, but you're just like those thousands of side-kick subjects that walk the streets carrying burdens on their shoulders and minds. Life, as its meant to, just goes on....

And then there are moments, when you feel detached from this normalcy, and yearn to be shut-out in the mist of an illuminated fairy-tale, where reality is denied any access, where magic is the ruling law and where dreams are lived through the eyes of plausible hopes. There's an uncontrollable want to be in a place where the heart is the king that conquers the otherwise rational head and where decisions made always end in the right outcome. In this fantastic world of free-flowing reverie, the most heart-felt wishes would come true, and there wouldn't be a time of disheartened disappointment....

Eventually though, you open your eyes again, and you're back to this world. This world, where people don't always get what they want, and sometimes when they get it, it comes so late that it loses all meaning. In this world, disappointments are a part of growing up and learning to deal with the malicious occurrences of everyday going-ons. Innocence is lost to the realization of the dark side of things and simplicity is shunned in the race of being noticed among the millions of other earthly beasts grabbing for the same measly opportunities. Like savages, people crawl and climb the ladder to a perceived success, which shines in the distance like a treasured jewel , which when acquired just leaves an un-quenching thirst for a bigger ornament of desire. Dreams are often forgotten midst the traffic of responsibilities and duties and practicalities...leaving individuals content overall, but having left behind some amount of spirit, some quantity of hope, and some portion of a zest to dream big and want more...

Then again, there are moments that occur out of the blue, which rekindle the rusty faith that young minds once possessed. Light shines through the enclosed entrances and for some time, Life takes a tangent path down the same fairy-land that was once deeply embedded in the minds of innocence.
I live my life as I'm meant to, stepping into the proverbial maze of the world, gradually finding obstacles and traps as I go forward. All I do is..find another route....while deep within, always hoping that when I turn the next corner, I will find the surprising moment where my reality mingles with the mist of the fairy tale....and I arrive to my kingdom of far..far..away.....

A Day Goes By

Eyes open to a misty white,
a covered blanket of cloudy doubt,
trickling rays find little entryways,
and appear in fragmented little pockets,
and the day begins.

The chilled morning dewy air,
greets the first steps of the day,
the path reaches out and welcomes,
then presents the aching twists,
as the day begins.

Lost sunshine, meandering lanes,
between the concrete towering structures,
darkness looms through an empowering fog,
with nebulous gashes of illusioned light,
and the day goes on.

In some remote corner, the sun descends,
dusk arrives, more darkness comes,
the claws of Night, clutch and clog,
the iota of light that found its way,
seeping through, as the day went on.

Shadows creep over the barren streets,
sleuthing corners of protected secrets,
find the darkened glow of nightly doom,
and triumph over the dimming light,
as the day reaches its ultimate end.

Neha