Retrospection

I love to write. I hate to read what I write.

Over the years I've come to realize that my most powerful writing has been during times when I felt low and demoralized. Its during those times when I open my heart and pour it through my fingers into this blog. As a result of which, the most negative thoughts, the most cynical thoughts get written about. I'd like to believe that there is more to my thoughts than negativity, that there is more to me than lamenting, that I believe in more than just the ultimate doom. I'd like to believe that even those tough times have not made me into a pessimist and that there is still some bright thought left in me. I'd like to believe...

I just went back and read the posts I'd written a year back, around the same time this year. I astonish myself, and that's not only because I can write such dark stuff, its because at some point in my life I have actually thought that way. And to be very honest, there are times when I still do. Not much has changed about those bad times. The thoughts, the insecurities, the feelings...its all the same. What has changed however, is that I realise that its a phase. I also realise that I'm probably saying all this right now when my frame of mind is sane and optimistic, but I want to believe that somewhere deep down, I always know that its just a phase, and it will pass again. I want to believe that I'm better than my worst thoughts. I want make myself believe that there is still some positivity left in me.

Blessed

A friend told me a couple of days back, that I'm truly blessed. Made me think a lot about how and why he thinks that. Then I realized that I felt that too. Nothing specific happened, just moments and realizations that mean so much..

• I go around my room to find notes attached to my closets and drawers saying, "Keep Smiling"..placed there very discretely by a couple of my friends who decided to show up and my place to surprise me! The moment I saw them that day, made me feel blessed..
• The very firm knowledge of the fact that no matter what, my family is and will always be there for me.
• Getting a message which started with, "I was thinking of you yesterday....", reminds me that someone somewhere is thinking about me..
• The warmth of a tight bear hug.
• Having someone to wipe my tear.
• Hearing from someone else, that a friend told him I was special...and had to be made to feel that way.
• Feeling comfortable enough around a group of people to be at my silliest best.
• A smile, which says, I understand without your words.
• Being able to call someone in the middle of the night and be made to feel like it's absolutely fine..
• A friend breaking down because he can't see me going through a tough phase..
  
• When a friend understands that something is wrong, even when you just say "Hello" on the phone.
• The feeling, of bliss, when a group of friends stand around and simply laugh together...

I guess, for the time being, these are more than enough reasons to make me feel blessed. I live for these moments, I cherish them, I thrive in them and they make me feel alive...make me want to live...

The Bain that is Love

I don't exactly recall when it happened, but at some point in my life, Love ceased to be a pleasant, fuzzy, happy feeling and became a complex process of the Four Cs....control, consideration, compromise, care. The perception of love stopped being that of a fairy tale love story, but became more realistic and dimensional. The colors of pink and red got replaced by purples and blues, and suddenly the music in the background changed from being a happy duet to a retrospective ballad. It is rather sad, that I don't see love as unconditional and pure anymore, but more like a drug which consumes every inch of the body and soul and in the process of consumption slowly but surely finishes the person off.

Cynical. I call this view cynical and negative. But hello, open your eyes and look around. I see love cause a bubble of happiness, but very soon burst into a sea of tears. With that burst bubble, hearts break, self-images shatter into million shards and relationships fall apart like rickety boats in a storm. The starry eyed lovers soon realize that the stars were just sparks of the bullets shooting towards them, ready to scorch them into mangled corpses, left scarred for life.

And the Heart...oh the evil heart. The Heart plays the role of the plotter, the drug dealer of sorts, who entices the victim with the promise of a riveting high, the feeling of eternal bliss. The heart plays games of seduction, temptation and provocation, engaging people into senseless idiosyncrasies. Once the effect of the initial high subsides, the body and the mind feel a maddening craving, a desire for more. The moment of happiness becomes the addiction, the feeling of pleasure becomes the much wanted high. The heart plays the games, and the victims fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of emptiness, to then wake up one day and realize that the body and mind can take no more..that all the desire and need and want is a trick of the heart. What is left is a wrinkled body, a corrupted devastated mind, and a helpless heart.

Maybe I'm wrong.

My moments

Conversations have a funny way of hitting the bulls eye at times. A lot of my most enlightening moments of revelation have been during conversations which I did not expect to be so meaningful. Most of these conversations are with my friends, people who I believe understand me, or want to get to know me on a deeper level. A lot of what I know about myself, comes from these conversations, and much of what I believe in becomes evident during these very times. I had several such conversations today, and have been having them for the past few months. You get a whole new perspective about yourself when you hear it from people you trust, and for me, that perspective is extremely valuable...at times, more than my own...

A conversation with a friend today made me realise, how easy it is to do something for someone else, because the smile on their face gives you so much happiness. He told me that making others happy makes him happy. I realised, that is true for me as well. I'm happiest when I see a smile on someone else's face because of me. There is nothing more gratifying and satisfying than that, and I realize that I thrive at that one little smile, more than a lot of the big pleasures in life. These are the moments that I live for, these are the moments which wipe away every pain, every tear, every insecurity, every fear...These are the moments which bring the smile to my face as well.

I decided something after that conversation...If not for anything else, if not for myself, I'm going to be happy, because I realize that it is only when I am happy can I really make someone else smile too. It's like a vicious cycle really....smiles are like fuel to my happiness. So to keep that happiness going, I need to have the fuel. Once I have fuel, the happiness and genuine feeling of well being goes on for longer, which then cause more happiness around me. So basically, I have to keep myself positive and happy...and that will cause me to be satisfied and feel generally good from within..

I don't really believe in new year resolutions...but I guess...I will have to try this one for now :).

Day 1

2010....

I started the first day of the year with a scrumptious breakfast, a good dining table conversation with family, some laughter, many smiles, and a big bear hug. The day proceeded, and I found myself standing in the balcony, watching the rain, as droplets sprinkled my face. Then, the clouds parted, a out came the most clear beautiful rainbow. I watched, and sang an old hindi film song... thandi hawa yeh chandni suhani...ae mere dil..suna koi kahani...

I now sit by the open window, sipping hot capuccino, tucked in a soft comforter, and watching the dark clouds growl and grumble, the lightening cutting through those clouds and the softness of the breeze brushing against my wind swept hair. There's an inexplicable smile...there's a feeling of utter relaxation, and there's a hope...

The first day of the year...started off well. To say the very least.