The Bain that is Love

I don't exactly recall when it happened, but at some point in my life, Love ceased to be a pleasant, fuzzy, happy feeling and became a complex process of the Four Cs....control, consideration, compromise, care. The perception of love stopped being that of a fairy tale love story, but became more realistic and dimensional. The colors of pink and red got replaced by purples and blues, and suddenly the music in the background changed from being a happy duet to a retrospective ballad. It is rather sad, that I don't see love as unconditional and pure anymore, but more like a drug which consumes every inch of the body and soul and in the process of consumption slowly but surely finishes the person off.

Cynical. I call this view cynical and negative. But hello, open your eyes and look around. I see love cause a bubble of happiness, but very soon burst into a sea of tears. With that burst bubble, hearts break, self-images shatter into million shards and relationships fall apart like rickety boats in a storm. The starry eyed lovers soon realize that the stars were just sparks of the bullets shooting towards them, ready to scorch them into mangled corpses, left scarred for life.

And the Heart...oh the evil heart. The Heart plays the role of the plotter, the drug dealer of sorts, who entices the victim with the promise of a riveting high, the feeling of eternal bliss. The heart plays games of seduction, temptation and provocation, engaging people into senseless idiosyncrasies. Once the effect of the initial high subsides, the body and the mind feel a maddening craving, a desire for more. The moment of happiness becomes the addiction, the feeling of pleasure becomes the much wanted high. The heart plays the games, and the victims fall deeper and deeper into the abyss of emptiness, to then wake up one day and realize that the body and mind can take no more..that all the desire and need and want is a trick of the heart. What is left is a wrinkled body, a corrupted devastated mind, and a helpless heart.

Maybe I'm wrong.

My moments

Conversations have a funny way of hitting the bulls eye at times. A lot of my most enlightening moments of revelation have been during conversations which I did not expect to be so meaningful. Most of these conversations are with my friends, people who I believe understand me, or want to get to know me on a deeper level. A lot of what I know about myself, comes from these conversations, and much of what I believe in becomes evident during these very times. I had several such conversations today, and have been having them for the past few months. You get a whole new perspective about yourself when you hear it from people you trust, and for me, that perspective is extremely valuable...at times, more than my own...

A conversation with a friend today made me realise, how easy it is to do something for someone else, because the smile on their face gives you so much happiness. He told me that making others happy makes him happy. I realised, that is true for me as well. I'm happiest when I see a smile on someone else's face because of me. There is nothing more gratifying and satisfying than that, and I realize that I thrive at that one little smile, more than a lot of the big pleasures in life. These are the moments that I live for, these are the moments which wipe away every pain, every tear, every insecurity, every fear...These are the moments which bring the smile to my face as well.

I decided something after that conversation...If not for anything else, if not for myself, I'm going to be happy, because I realize that it is only when I am happy can I really make someone else smile too. It's like a vicious cycle really....smiles are like fuel to my happiness. So to keep that happiness going, I need to have the fuel. Once I have fuel, the happiness and genuine feeling of well being goes on for longer, which then cause more happiness around me. So basically, I have to keep myself positive and happy...and that will cause me to be satisfied and feel generally good from within..

I don't really believe in new year resolutions...but I guess...I will have to try this one for now :).

Day 1

2010....

I started the first day of the year with a scrumptious breakfast, a good dining table conversation with family, some laughter, many smiles, and a big bear hug. The day proceeded, and I found myself standing in the balcony, watching the rain, as droplets sprinkled my face. Then, the clouds parted, a out came the most clear beautiful rainbow. I watched, and sang an old hindi film song... thandi hawa yeh chandni suhani...ae mere dil..suna koi kahani...

I now sit by the open window, sipping hot capuccino, tucked in a soft comforter, and watching the dark clouds growl and grumble, the lightening cutting through those clouds and the softness of the breeze brushing against my wind swept hair. There's an inexplicable smile...there's a feeling of utter relaxation, and there's a hope...

The first day of the year...started off well. To say the very least.