Today was the last lecture of my undergrad university life, and I don't feel anything at all. I have no remorse, or joy. I have no memories flashing by, and no regrets to look back upon. It doesn't feel like a day that I'm going to remember, it has no meaning in my life. Somewhere, there's a voice in my head saying, "this is the end of an important phase of your life", but these thoughts do not get translated into any feelings or sentiments. They float around my mind, but do not find any solid ground. I feel detached and unable to feel any emotion towards this conclusion of a time, an end to the last three years of my life...
I wonder if i'm just in denial of an upcoming change, or that the difference would not change the fundamental features in my life. Soon, i'll be changing houses, moving countries, and geographically relocating away from people who have been around me 24/7 since the last 2-3 years, but when I look at all this in perspective, it all seems rather miniscule. It doesn't really change anything that matters to me. I won't change, what I feel for these people will definitely not change, and ultimately, this movement is inevitable and comes not as a hindrace, but a rite of passage. Sure, i'll be leaving a country and a lifestyle which i've been accustomed to for the last 8 years, but i've come to terms with that fact that change is the only constant in my life, and if I accept it for what it is, it will just make itself easier for me. Apphrehension still hovers around, but i'm slowly learning to vanquish the inexhausting thirst for certainty, and mentally preparing myself to embrace the unpredictabilty of life.
Stability is something that gives me immense comfort, but i've also seen the flip-side of it. I've also suffered from this stablity turning into monotony and rigidity. I know what it feels like to have everything chalked out, striving for a stable future, and then one blow bringing down this cemented falsity of a concept. The impression of control is the most harmful phenomenon, as when you face the raw facts, the cloudy pleasantary of pretentious control vanishes, leaving behind a hollow emptiness, creating an enormous void of bitterness in life. That said, i'd still welcome the idea of having a stable future, a fairly determined path, and the least amount of change needed. I dream of making a life for myself where I would be able to control at least some aspects of the direction it takes, with just enough amounts of unpredictabilty, which would ensure that my stabilty does not become monotony.
After saying all this, a quote by C.S.Lewis is dwindling it's way into my memory... “The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life.”
Till next time...Happy Changing!
