I'm in a very random thoughtful mood today. I was thinking ( yes, someone just told me thats always a good thing to do!), and as usual my mind was wandering into various different realms of my life. I have this annoying disobeying mind which chooses to travel to unnecessary distances and delve suffocatingly deep into strayed thoughts, only further complicating my already chaotic psyche...
Today, this mind wandered into the real meaning of people in my life. Must admit, this is one of the favourite places for my mind to escape to. Whenever life becomes even slightly stressful and frustrating, this nomad of a mind goes seeking for refuge in the deep rooted issues that determine the very crux of my existence. So, in its prefered place again, the silly thing dug up all those hidden questions, sentiments, doubts and emotions about myself and the people around me. Issues that I consciously keep firmly at bay just came swirling back in through the open abyss that the mind provided for them...
So here I am now...still looking for unanswerable questions...still searching for intangible solutions to completely mentally fabricated issues. I ask myself, what really Do people mean to me...and more importantly, or rather more selfishly...what do I mean to people I feel close to? How can I ever really know the answer to a question like this..and why i'm even asking this question is just beyond me! Its just one of those mysteries that you've just got to put faith on. No matter how much people say they love you and need you, there's no way to ever really get into their mind and get out their honest and pure feelings. Actions speak much louder than words, agreed, but what if even those actions are misleading? Even if they arent misleading, what if I just dont have enough understanding of people to interpret actions correctly?
Many people have often told me that i'm naive and trusting. After the countless times that i've gotten to hear that I can very easily trust anybody, I genuinely want to find out how can one really measure the amount of trust to be given to a person? I agree, sometimes there are obvious reasons not to do it, like past evidence that goes against the simple criteria behind trusting the person. But mostly, its almost impossible to really tell whom to put ur trust on, and whom not to. The only way in that case, is to just go by your instincts, and then if you make mistakes, you learn by those mistakes and use that as extra evidence for the future. And after all this mental speculation, when I do finally place my trust on a person, I expect for that trust never to be broken. However, as i've learnt so far, life has this mind-boggling way of shaking things up just when u're starting to relax about a decision like that. So, the rest of the time is gone in the constant fear of this rock-solid trust being broken and in a nerve-wracking anticipation of the moment in which i'd regret having ever placed such a binding trust upon that person.
Usually those who do break this blind trust, drift away from me and my life. The only real problem here is that, the more this thread of trust is broken, the more frayed the bond becomes, meaning that the more I encounter such situations, the more hesistant and resistant I become towards trusting people. The trickle of doubt is slowly growing into a ferocious sea of fear, which puts my mind into a tumultous storm. The same mind which went seeking for refuge is trapped into greater mazes of engulfing queries..leaving the issues at hand not solved, but in the midst of already entangled wires of unanswered issues.
Anyways, for now, i'll cage my mind back into the nitty-gritty realities of worldy routines, and place the roots of my psyche back where they belong...dug deep in some remote corner, where they are safely stored till I can actually find some answers for them! Or, then again, maybe they're just better off let loose.......
