Today was the last lecture of my undergrad university life, and I don't feel anything at all. I have no remorse, or joy. I have no memories flashing by, and no regrets to look back upon. It doesn't feel like a day that I'm going to remember, it has no meaning in my life. Somewhere, there's a voice in my head saying, "this is the end of an important phase of your life", but these thoughts do not get translated into any feelings or sentiments. They float around my mind, but do not find any solid ground. I feel detached and unable to feel any emotion towards this conclusion of a time, an end to the last three years of my life...
I wonder if i'm just in denial of an upcoming change, or that the difference would not change the fundamental features in my life. Soon, i'll be changing houses, moving countries, and geographically relocating away from people who have been around me 24/7 since the last 2-3 years, but when I look at all this in perspective, it all seems rather miniscule. It doesn't really change anything that matters to me. I won't change, what I feel for these people will definitely not change, and ultimately, this movement is inevitable and comes not as a hindrace, but a rite of passage. Sure, i'll be leaving a country and a lifestyle which i've been accustomed to for the last 8 years, but i've come to terms with that fact that change is the only constant in my life, and if I accept it for what it is, it will just make itself easier for me. Apphrehension still hovers around, but i'm slowly learning to vanquish the inexhausting thirst for certainty, and mentally preparing myself to embrace the unpredictabilty of life.
Stability is something that gives me immense comfort, but i've also seen the flip-side of it. I've also suffered from this stablity turning into monotony and rigidity. I know what it feels like to have everything chalked out, striving for a stable future, and then one blow bringing down this cemented falsity of a concept. The impression of control is the most harmful phenomenon, as when you face the raw facts, the cloudy pleasantary of pretentious control vanishes, leaving behind a hollow emptiness, creating an enormous void of bitterness in life. That said, i'd still welcome the idea of having a stable future, a fairly determined path, and the least amount of change needed. I dream of making a life for myself where I would be able to control at least some aspects of the direction it takes, with just enough amounts of unpredictabilty, which would ensure that my stabilty does not become monotony.
After saying all this, a quote by C.S.Lewis is dwindling it's way into my memory... “The great thing is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's "own" or "real" life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life.”
Till next time...Happy Changing!
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Mind of a Business Major
I had not quite realised the extent to which studying business administration tweaks your brain, till I asked my best friend what was the first word that came to his mind, and he replied..."strategic control". Words which had made absolutely no sense earlier, have become a part of my everyday vocabulary, even though they still make as much sense as they did 3 years back. This fluff of lexicon sounds bright and businessy, giving the impression of intellectual connaissance, and to the benefit of many, also acts as a disguise to hide the lack of any tangible expertise.
On the brink of exiting the undergrad level of jargon, I often tend to question myself on my knowledge, since it sure feels like I haven't learnt much apart from some colorful words, which make me sound smarter. Sure, in more quantitative subjects like Mathematics (ugh), Economics (puke), Accounting (eww), you get more direct answers of what you know and what you don't. But what about all those management and business classes? Apart from being fun to talk about, and analysing case studies, I really don't know what I have gained from them. I do believe that I learn a lot from those case studies, and it stimulates my brain talking about real practical issues that firms have had to deal with. I learn a lot from that. But what about all that theoretical mush? The basic thing that i've learnt from all of them is, keep your eyes out for uncertainties, watch your competitors, and treat your employees well. And to that I say...Well, DUH! As if I didn't know that before enduring 3 years of business junk!
On the brink of exiting the undergrad level of jargon, I often tend to question myself on my knowledge, since it sure feels like I haven't learnt much apart from some colorful words, which make me sound smarter. Sure, in more quantitative subjects like Mathematics (ugh), Economics (puke), Accounting (eww), you get more direct answers of what you know and what you don't. But what about all those management and business classes? Apart from being fun to talk about, and analysing case studies, I really don't know what I have gained from them. I do believe that I learn a lot from those case studies, and it stimulates my brain talking about real practical issues that firms have had to deal with. I learn a lot from that. But what about all that theoretical mush? The basic thing that i've learnt from all of them is, keep your eyes out for uncertainties, watch your competitors, and treat your employees well. And to that I say...Well, DUH! As if I didn't know that before enduring 3 years of business junk!
Sunday, 23 March 2008
A flickering memory
Light and sound of a familiar kind,
drown me in their delicious warmth,
I float in the ocean of silent noise,
and hum the tune of lonesome joys.
A sound sparks a distant memory,
a time so far, it's barely there,
flickering lights of colorful pleasure,
buried behind my precious treasure.
Strangely though, follows through,
closely behind the euphoric elation,
prickling jab of distant laughter,
which turned to tears shortly after.
A hesistant smile escapes my lips,
and forcefully shrugs those images away,
that time has left, bygone are the days,
only morbid eyes and a weeping heart stays.
drown me in their delicious warmth,
I float in the ocean of silent noise,
and hum the tune of lonesome joys.
A sound sparks a distant memory,
a time so far, it's barely there,
flickering lights of colorful pleasure,
buried behind my precious treasure.
Strangely though, follows through,
closely behind the euphoric elation,
prickling jab of distant laughter,
which turned to tears shortly after.
A hesistant smile escapes my lips,
and forcefully shrugs those images away,
that time has left, bygone are the days,
only morbid eyes and a weeping heart stays.
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Moments Before (Fiction)
She slowly and gently passed her index finger along the sharp end of the knife. It was rigged and left a slight scratch on the finger. Hardly noticible, hardly there. The kitchen floor was cold and her hands shook. As Naina turned the knife in her hand, the metal reflected her eyes, and the tears in her eyes reflected the shining knife. Holding the knife flat in her hand, she was intrigued by the smoothness of its finish, and the firmness of the wood. Her mind seemed to have shut out any other thoughts, apart from those of the weapon in her hand.
A bell tolled at a distance. It was a strange sound to hear, considering she lived in the middle of a crowded buzzing city. The zooming cars, the ambulance sirens, the loud motorbike engines, the barking of dogs and men, were the usual sounds to be heard. In the midst of all that, church bells were a welcome change. The bells rang, and the sound carried an unusual tranquillity with it. Naina sat still and listened, searching for the meaning of the rhythm in which the bells rang. The tone was demure and the tempo slow. "Probably a funeral," Naina thought.
The bells stopped, and Naina's mind drifted back to the knife she was holding. It was wet now. Strange. "Oh right, probably my tears fell," she reasoned logically. The cold floor pierced into her skin like thorns. Her legs were almost numb, except for the pinpricks she felt now and then. She made an effort, and rose carefully, clutching on to the knife with loving care.
"Moonriver...wider than a mile...I'm crossing you in style...someday...." she hummed softly, letting her voice carry her to the next room. She drifted across the room and eased herself on the floor in the center. She fingered the knife again, and immersed herself into the titillating shades of metal. The feel of the cold knife against her skin felt welcoming, and even the sharp end touched her with flowery gentleness. She pressed her finger hard on the tip, and a trickle of blood oozed out. It reminded her of the redness of paint, which she'd used to create dozens of her artworks. It was inviting. It was addictive. It was a drug, which she wanted out of her body instead of inside it, to feel the serenity she so desired.
TRING TRING!
The sound of her phone ringing shook her out of the daze. She looked around and saw her phone lying close by. She saw the lights, she heard the sound, she could even read the name of the caller, but she didn't move. She just stared. She had to. Her mind had imprisoned the rest of her body, and it did not want to give the command to move. The phone kept ringing, the sound became monotonous. The name blinked, screaming for response, but Naina did not reach out to answer. It was too late now.
After 4 calls, the phone relapsed back into its dark silence. It sat still. Naina slowly got up, and walked to her desk. She took a notebook, and wrote. She felt the need to. She knew what she was about to do required an explanation, and she owed it to people. She wrote without emotion or tears. She wrote, addressing no one, naming no one in particular. The feelings had left her, the writing was mechanical, and the pain had gone.
She finished the letter, ripped the paper out of her notebook, and returned to her spot on the floor. Then she blissfully held up her wrist, and with one quick motion, slit it with the knife. The blood spilled out. Naina watched it, feeling nothing. The drug worked, the numbness increased and the mind swam into a cloud of peacefulness...whiteness...purity....bliss....
...end.
A bell tolled at a distance. It was a strange sound to hear, considering she lived in the middle of a crowded buzzing city. The zooming cars, the ambulance sirens, the loud motorbike engines, the barking of dogs and men, were the usual sounds to be heard. In the midst of all that, church bells were a welcome change. The bells rang, and the sound carried an unusual tranquillity with it. Naina sat still and listened, searching for the meaning of the rhythm in which the bells rang. The tone was demure and the tempo slow. "Probably a funeral," Naina thought.
The bells stopped, and Naina's mind drifted back to the knife she was holding. It was wet now. Strange. "Oh right, probably my tears fell," she reasoned logically. The cold floor pierced into her skin like thorns. Her legs were almost numb, except for the pinpricks she felt now and then. She made an effort, and rose carefully, clutching on to the knife with loving care.
"Moonriver...wider than a mile...I'm crossing you in style...someday...." she hummed softly, letting her voice carry her to the next room. She drifted across the room and eased herself on the floor in the center. She fingered the knife again, and immersed herself into the titillating shades of metal. The feel of the cold knife against her skin felt welcoming, and even the sharp end touched her with flowery gentleness. She pressed her finger hard on the tip, and a trickle of blood oozed out. It reminded her of the redness of paint, which she'd used to create dozens of her artworks. It was inviting. It was addictive. It was a drug, which she wanted out of her body instead of inside it, to feel the serenity she so desired.
TRING TRING!
The sound of her phone ringing shook her out of the daze. She looked around and saw her phone lying close by. She saw the lights, she heard the sound, she could even read the name of the caller, but she didn't move. She just stared. She had to. Her mind had imprisoned the rest of her body, and it did not want to give the command to move. The phone kept ringing, the sound became monotonous. The name blinked, screaming for response, but Naina did not reach out to answer. It was too late now.
After 4 calls, the phone relapsed back into its dark silence. It sat still. Naina slowly got up, and walked to her desk. She took a notebook, and wrote. She felt the need to. She knew what she was about to do required an explanation, and she owed it to people. She wrote without emotion or tears. She wrote, addressing no one, naming no one in particular. The feelings had left her, the writing was mechanical, and the pain had gone.
She finished the letter, ripped the paper out of her notebook, and returned to her spot on the floor. Then she blissfully held up her wrist, and with one quick motion, slit it with the knife. The blood spilled out. Naina watched it, feeling nothing. The drug worked, the numbness increased and the mind swam into a cloud of peacefulness...whiteness...purity....bliss....
...end.
Friday, 29 February 2008
Moments after Death (fiction)
I still remember the sight when I first entered her room. The redness of her blood impregnated everything and it all radiated in a crimson shade of light. She lay there, on the floor, her body face down, arm stretched out and wrist slit. The moment halted, and time came to a surprising stand-still, as I absorbed the image in my mind. The stillness of her body, the river of blood, the peace on her face, the blood-bathed sheet of paper lying next to her and the knife...the culprit. In that moment, I already knew that I'd lost my best friend forever.
What happened next is still hazy. I can recall snapping out of my daze, and rushing forward. I could not feel the grief then, it was just hysteria. I turned her, I shook her, I took her blood-soaked arm and tried to find a pulse. I couldn't. Her eyes remained shut. She did not breathe. It was over.
It felt like a huge arm had clamped around my throat, and it was suffocating me. I fell back and sat still. Slowly, I reached out and dialled the number of the ambulance from my cellphone. How I remembered the number in that moment, I don't know. How I could make my fingers move, I cannot imagine. What I said on the phone, I cannot remember. The call ended, and I just sat there, unaware of anything. The imaginary arm relaxed, enough to let me breathe.
The sight before my eyes did not change, even the blood seemed to have frozen. I noticed that she had been wearing her favourite pink pyjamas. They were stained now. I observed that her hair was unruly, as if it hadn't been brushed for a few days. She'd probably just ruffled it, like she did when she cried. I saw the bracelet on her un-cut wrist, which had her initials NM strung together on a black thread. It was made of beads, five different colours. I cannot remember the colours now, but I remember they were very bright. She used to call it the Rainbow bracelet and she said she wore it because looking at the brightness gave her a reason to be cheerful. I looked around her, and saw the drenched piece of paper. I reached out and picked it up, and let the blood drip off. Then I read it.
It said...
I don't know who will see this letter first, so I don't know who to address it to. Whoever it is, I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I genuinely regret for anyone to see such a sight. You will not be able to forget this for maybe the rest of your life, but then, maybe that is what I want. I know that if you are the first one to see this, you probably know me, and all my life i've always wished to be in someone's thoughts forever. So, along with the apologies, I also thanking you, for fulfilling this desire of mine. Just to make things clear, this actually is a suicide. I will not rant about how sad I was or what a bitch life has been. I think this scene itself proves that, I don't need to put it in words. However, I want to say that I really did try. Don't judge me, and don't hate me.
If there is anything life has taught me, it is to keep trying till you die. I kept trying, but I'm choosing to die now. There comes a point in everyone's life when you seek eternal peace. I'm going in search of that peace, which no matter how hard I try, life will never be able to give me. I saw this knife today, and it screamed of peace, and the sound was so loud, I just could not ignore it. I decided to take this step because the silence offered by that noise was really irrisistible. The knife's shine is calling me, hollering for me to experience that end. It is magnetic and I cannot resist the pull much longer. I'm going to let it win, because I'm greedy for the reward. I beg you, don't judge me, please don't judge me.
I'm leaving behind a lot. There are people who love me, and will be destroyed by what i've done. But i've gone my whole life choosing my actions according to what others want from me, and now I just want to do what I want to do. I have put the most important people in my life as a priority, even before my own needs, and I don't regret that at all. I just want to put myself first now. It is selfish, but I have to do it. Maybe now, I will be a priority too. I lived like an option my whole life, it's time for a change now. There is only one person who has the slightest hint of this. I know he will try to stop this. I just want to explain to him, that there is nothing he could have done. I know he will miss me, and my heart weeps at the idea of what i'm doing to him. I'm sorry, but I cannot anymore. It's too hard. Just too hard. And now, the knife awaits me, it is asking me to succumb, and i'm going to give in. Please don't hate me... Naina
I don't know what I could have done and what I couldn't have. Now it did not matter. She'd ask me to not hate her, so I won't. Maybe this is the only thing I can do now.
The next few hours zoomed by. Paramedics came and took her away. It was over.
The redness blackened,
the light darkened,
the room emptied, a life just ended,
and with it, a part of my soul disappeared forever.
What happened next is still hazy. I can recall snapping out of my daze, and rushing forward. I could not feel the grief then, it was just hysteria. I turned her, I shook her, I took her blood-soaked arm and tried to find a pulse. I couldn't. Her eyes remained shut. She did not breathe. It was over.
It felt like a huge arm had clamped around my throat, and it was suffocating me. I fell back and sat still. Slowly, I reached out and dialled the number of the ambulance from my cellphone. How I remembered the number in that moment, I don't know. How I could make my fingers move, I cannot imagine. What I said on the phone, I cannot remember. The call ended, and I just sat there, unaware of anything. The imaginary arm relaxed, enough to let me breathe.
The sight before my eyes did not change, even the blood seemed to have frozen. I noticed that she had been wearing her favourite pink pyjamas. They were stained now. I observed that her hair was unruly, as if it hadn't been brushed for a few days. She'd probably just ruffled it, like she did when she cried. I saw the bracelet on her un-cut wrist, which had her initials NM strung together on a black thread. It was made of beads, five different colours. I cannot remember the colours now, but I remember they were very bright. She used to call it the Rainbow bracelet and she said she wore it because looking at the brightness gave her a reason to be cheerful. I looked around her, and saw the drenched piece of paper. I reached out and picked it up, and let the blood drip off. Then I read it.
It said...
I don't know who will see this letter first, so I don't know who to address it to. Whoever it is, I'm sorry you have to see me like this. I genuinely regret for anyone to see such a sight. You will not be able to forget this for maybe the rest of your life, but then, maybe that is what I want. I know that if you are the first one to see this, you probably know me, and all my life i've always wished to be in someone's thoughts forever. So, along with the apologies, I also thanking you, for fulfilling this desire of mine. Just to make things clear, this actually is a suicide. I will not rant about how sad I was or what a bitch life has been. I think this scene itself proves that, I don't need to put it in words. However, I want to say that I really did try. Don't judge me, and don't hate me.
If there is anything life has taught me, it is to keep trying till you die. I kept trying, but I'm choosing to die now. There comes a point in everyone's life when you seek eternal peace. I'm going in search of that peace, which no matter how hard I try, life will never be able to give me. I saw this knife today, and it screamed of peace, and the sound was so loud, I just could not ignore it. I decided to take this step because the silence offered by that noise was really irrisistible. The knife's shine is calling me, hollering for me to experience that end. It is magnetic and I cannot resist the pull much longer. I'm going to let it win, because I'm greedy for the reward. I beg you, don't judge me, please don't judge me.
I'm leaving behind a lot. There are people who love me, and will be destroyed by what i've done. But i've gone my whole life choosing my actions according to what others want from me, and now I just want to do what I want to do. I have put the most important people in my life as a priority, even before my own needs, and I don't regret that at all. I just want to put myself first now. It is selfish, but I have to do it. Maybe now, I will be a priority too. I lived like an option my whole life, it's time for a change now. There is only one person who has the slightest hint of this. I know he will try to stop this. I just want to explain to him, that there is nothing he could have done. I know he will miss me, and my heart weeps at the idea of what i'm doing to him. I'm sorry, but I cannot anymore. It's too hard. Just too hard. And now, the knife awaits me, it is asking me to succumb, and i'm going to give in. Please don't hate me... Naina
I don't know what I could have done and what I couldn't have. Now it did not matter. She'd ask me to not hate her, so I won't. Maybe this is the only thing I can do now.
The next few hours zoomed by. Paramedics came and took her away. It was over.
The redness blackened,
the light darkened,
the room emptied, a life just ended,
and with it, a part of my soul disappeared forever.
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