Panic Attack

With full force and great surprise,
halting moments into frozen quiet,
once in a while, comes an instant,
enough to alone spark a riot.

With eyes closed to the outside,
nebulous brain and muffled sound,
tingling heart and pounding limbs,
tumultuous blood gushing around.

Quivering lips and harrowed brow,
trembling hands, shaken plight,
frantic groping through emptiness.
runs amok a shiver of fright.

Looming low, triggered mood,
doors closing tightly in,
walled in a timeless place,
life becomes a committed sin.

Grudgingly the tingling leaves,
behind lingers a mental pain,

sinking heart, drowning tears,

familiar emotions, dreaded terrain.

Moment passes quickly by,

damage though is lasting long,

deepest wounds healed with time,

hoping that it be not wrong.

Just a weak moment...

I just recently watched the popular TV show, "Sex and the City" for the first time. Like so many other girls like me, I can sooooo totally relate to the lives of those women! I'm neither smart, sexy nor successful, and yet there's something about their lives which is in every single girl out there! Anyway...on this totally random beginning, I'd just like to write my heart out, like Carrie Bradshaw in the show...and pour out my random thoughts on random topics....

I was just sitting alone with nothing to do and thought of calling some of my friends. I love them all and have nothing against anyone at all ( yeah..I'm pretty nice that way...), but still at times you cant help but feel...huh..everyone is actually busy with their lives. Its like, there's no better way to be made aware of the fact that you're single than by calling friends in times of boredom! Ever feel like an intruder in someone's territory? Well...I feel like that every time I call my friends and they're with their boyfriends or girlfriends. I don't think there's any way to write this without sounding totally desperate, sad and lame..but heck...I don't feel any better right now! Even if that close friend of mine pretends to want to talk to me at that moment, I almost feel like I'm butting in when I'm totally not supposed to. Its like, when they're with their "partners" lets say, I stand out like a stranger with no right or business with any of them. Even as I write this I'm thinking in my head...why the hell are u even thinking this way? Its such a non-issue!! However, sounding even more pathetic...I'd say I feel rather...no abandoned isn't the word, cuz that would imply they do it on purpose...I'd say its more like alienated... Its of no fault of anyone, its just how I feel...

Ok anyone reading this is probably thinking...gosh, this girl needs to get a life or a boyfriend really soon! But u know..thats not the issue. I'm not at a point of my life when I need to be with someone. Not to sound like I'm defending myself or anything, but I really and honestly don't mind being single at the moment ( Hey you! Stop rolling ur eyes! :P). Anyway, seriously, the issue here is that in these very busy city lives, I guess we all end up sort of compartmentalizing our lives. Its quite a subconscious move, but I've noticed it often enough, that we sort of create different compartments in our lives for different people and different moments. I mean, how many of us even know the names of half of the other friends our best friends have? As the saying goes, even your best friend has other best friends...So I guess what I'm trying to say is, we live a rather segmented life, maybe to keep things simple and hassle-free, or maybe its just easier to let things be the way they are. As is human nature, any sorta of change or meshing of one part of our lives with the other, leaves a slightly unsettling feeling...we've all felt it, the degrees of emotion may vary.

I don't quite know what triggered off all this writing..but whatever it was, I guess it was for the best. It always feels better to have my thoughts out in the open :). Maybe it was just sheer boredom and the unwillingness to do anything worthwhile. Or maybe.. oh wait..i don't want ALL my thoughts out in the open :p! Well whatever, its just a phase I know...tomorrow its all gonna be alright..my friends love me and I know that, and they'd always be there for me....just a weak moment I guess....

Just another day...

Its 12:50 am...and I'm awake just because I don't want to go to sleep. Yes its that time of the night when I'm thinking to myself why the hell i'm not going to bed since I have to wake up early tomorrow and do lots of things that need to be done. Sleep is screaming to be allowed to have an affect on my brain, but the stubborn part of me just doesn't want to close her eyes and end this day... Its not even that the day was a perfect one. There were good and bad moments. In fact, today was such a well-balanced day, in which I experienced an entire spectrum of emotions. Starting from a looming calm that swept over me in the morning, to a gloomy boredom while I was sitting in class. From the free-electron-like hyperactive energy, to the tired lethargy. From a fit of uncontrollable laughter to a blood-boiling ravenous rage. From a sudden sense of loneliness to a heart-warming knowledge of being cared for...

It wasn't a special day at all. I probably wont even remember what I did today in a couple of days. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary or something I would particularly like to remember. And yet...its days like this that I always want to keep in some part of my memory. As it inevitably turns out, when we look back on our lives, we tend to recall those rare special and unique days which were laden with events that occur either rarely or just once. Our memories are so full of the extra-ordinary that we tend to completely overlook the simple marvel of the ordinary. The hundreds of millions of moments that we go through everyday, add a little tiny piece to the constantly built tower of lifetime memories and I'd love it if I could remember as many of these little building-blocks as possible...

Its late...but I dont want to go to sleep. Maybe I'm scared that sleep will capture this day's moments and lock them up in that forgotten closeted part of my brain. I know that tomorrow i'll wake up and not remember half of these moments I so want to hold on to today. But I guess, thats how things really are...thats how they'll be...What I can do is write what I want to remember...and then it'll be recorded forever...and I know its probably extremely boring to read and just seems like something so blatantly obvious, yet its these little simplicities that make my day..that have made my life....


I wake up by the sound of the alarm on my phone, take about an hour to get ready and then leave home once I'm satisfied ( or sometimes just give up) with how I look. I leave home and take the metro, which is around a 20 minute trip to the place where I get the tram from. I like the tram ride usually, since it gives me time to look around at the hustling-bustling city while I deftly zoom by. Once off the tram, I usually stop by at my favorite coffee place, have a cup of coffee, meet my friends and with them go to class. After a few hours of attending lessons, taking notes ( umm...), exchanging pleasantries with people ( socializing is such an important part of our everyday lives...), I set out to go back home. Since at least 2-3 of my friends are always going in the same direction, we just leave together. I dont like going back home alone.
We talk about the day and how it went, and discuss about the next day and what we want to do then. We joke, we laugh, we tease, we console....just normal everyday conversations between friends. Well, so once I get home, I usually spend my time online or watching a movie or reading or listening to music...very ordinary usual things. By nightfall, I eat dinner and then watch a movie on the computer mostly..... ......then late night, I sit and wonder how was the day...and the answer that comes to me and the only answer that makes me want see the next day ....is that it was Just Another Day....

The Passing Stranger

Around an unexpected dingy corner,
was a window of overwhelming light,
which brought from the midst of heaven,
the passing stranger's very first sight.

A simple handshake was the first touch,
an exchange of words came right behind,
since that moment of everyday magic,
a new life entered the lonesome mind.

The stranger carrying a divine gift,
through a mental guard smiled his way,
the present which was given to him,
was a clean soul and a hopeful ray.

Time swooned musically by,
and made the bond grow deep,
till the roots of the melodic cord,
make fresh buds of smiles reap.

The stranger found an identity,
that of an irreplaceable friend,
perhaps a bit more than that,
a more which met an unpleasant end.

The friend's title still remained,
and so it will till forever more,
before he left for distant lands,
that is a promise by which he swore.

An unending night-out and some tea,
a silent tear and a gleaming smile,
marked an era's definite finale,
the passing stranger who stayed just a while,
went further away, crossing many a mile...

Monday Mornings at my Hide-out

I sincerely believe that everybody needs a few of those hide-out, hang-out places, where you can just be yourself, basically chill-out and never feel like getting up and leaving, some place that gives a homely feeling while you're away from home! Maybe i'm just a hopeless dreamer, or maybe its the affect of growing up watching "Friends" have their coffee at the Central Perk, but lately, the one place where I feel absolutely relaxed is a tiny little coffee place around the corner called Lino's Coffee.

My Monday mornings usually start with a hot cup of coffee at this cozy little café. Since no one's really crazy enough to wake up half an hour earlier on a Monday, just to have forty minutes of coffee-time...specially not in Italy, where the concept of a coffee is generally like a shot of concentrated "wake-up" caffeine which is gulped down in precisely 10 seconds...mornings are a quiet time, and I'm often the only ( crazy might I add...) customer at this hour. Of course, it starts filling up as soon as I enter...maybe I just add to the attraction....ha..in my dreams!..anyway...but its relatively quiet anyway. So I enter and usually find the comfy sofa in the corner near the entrance to place myself. I love this little corner of the shop, since I feel like I'm in my own private little corner, and can look out through the class walls of the café, and observe the morning buzz of the university surroundings. Then I go order my coffee, which by the way, is not an easy task. This place has like a million ( remember...i exaggerate..!) different types of coffee, and its quite a challenge to decide which one to take! Anyway, once i make my deliberated choice, I go to the bar counter and watch them make it. I'm even more enthusiastic about watching this process when there's the cute-coffee-guy behind the counter..hehe. Well anyway, after ogling at the cutie ( ...i *will* ask his name someday...), I take my coffee and go sit in my little corner. And then...I just sit...and watch.

Its amazing how relaxed one can feel with a coffee in hand and nothing to do! I look outside and watch people rush past ( yes...everyone's always late on Monday mornings!), I watch cars zip by, trams roll along and the typical 10 am hurry. I watch people come in the shop, chit-chat, then go off again. And this is one of the only times of the day, when I feel absolutely removed from the rush, when I can actually just sit back, settled into the cushioned sofa and enjoy people hurry along, while I take my time and enjoy sipping my creamy frothy coffee . I daze off and think about all I have to do that day, that week, that month, that year..(er... you get the picture) and surprisingly, don't get stressed and worked up or worried ( umm yes...usually thinking about the future is the perfect jerk that gets my nerves go all jittery and out of control!). I go into my own lost world of meandering wanderings, and sway into the clouded reveries of my idle mind.

Then, I'm usually snapped back to reality when a friend ( or friends...depending on who I can con into waking up early and meet me at Lino's) comes and stands in front of me, reminding me, oh i'm in a coffee place, but I actually have to get up and go to class which is in 15 minutes! So wearily, I get up and get my things, and get ready to walk out...but not without a last glance back at my lovely hide-out ( and uhm...looking to catch the cutie's eye while saying Ciao!) and close the glass door behind me...to begin another new day, with the same old crap!