Its 12:50 am...and I'm awake just because I don't want to go to sleep. Yes its that time of the night when I'm thinking to myself why the hell i'm not going to bed since I have to wake up early tomorrow and do lots of things that need to be done. Sleep is screaming to be allowed to have an affect on my brain, but the stubborn part of me just doesn't want to close her eyes and end this day... Its not even that the day was a perfect one. There were good and bad moments. In fact, today was such a well-balanced day, in which I experienced an entire spectrum of emotions. Starting from a looming calm that swept over me in the morning, to a gloomy boredom while I was sitting in class. From the free-electron-like hyperactive energy, to the tired lethargy. From a fit of uncontrollable laughter to a blood-boiling ravenous rage. From a sudden sense of loneliness to a heart-warming knowledge of being cared for...
It wasn't a special day at all. I probably wont even remember what I did today in a couple of days. There was absolutely nothing out of the ordinary or something I would particularly like to remember. And yet...its days like this that I always want to keep in some part of my memory. As it inevitably turns out, when we look back on our lives, we tend to recall those rare special and unique days which were laden with events that occur either rarely or just once. Our memories are so full of the extra-ordinary that we tend to completely overlook the simple marvel of the ordinary. The hundreds of millions of moments that we go through everyday, add a little tiny piece to the constantly built tower of lifetime memories and I'd love it if I could remember as many of these little building-blocks as possible...
Its late...but I dont want to go to sleep. Maybe I'm scared that sleep will capture this day's moments and lock them up in that forgotten closeted part of my brain. I know that tomorrow i'll wake up and not remember half of these moments I so want to hold on to today. But I guess, thats how things really are...thats how they'll be...What I can do is write what I want to remember...and then it'll be recorded forever...and I know its probably extremely boring to read and just seems like something so blatantly obvious, yet its these little simplicities that make my day..that have made my life....
I wake up by the sound of the alarm on my phone, take about an hour to get ready and then leave home once I'm satisfied ( or sometimes just give up) with how I look. I leave home and take the metro, which is around a 20 minute trip to the place where I get the tram from. I like the tram ride usually, since it gives me time to look around at the hustling-bustling city while I deftly zoom by. Once off the tram, I usually stop by at my favorite coffee place, have a cup of coffee, meet my friends and with them go to class. After a few hours of attending lessons, taking notes ( umm...), exchanging pleasantries with people ( socializing is such an important part of our everyday lives...), I set out to go back home. Since at least 2-3 of my friends are always going in the same direction, we just leave together. I dont like going back home alone.
We talk about the day and how it went, and discuss about the next day and what we want to do then. We joke, we laugh, we tease, we console....just normal everyday conversations between friends. Well, so once I get home, I usually spend my time online or watching a movie or reading or listening to music...very ordinary usual things. By nightfall, I eat dinner and then watch a movie on the computer mostly..... ......then late night, I sit and wonder how was the day...and the answer that comes to me and the only answer that makes me want see the next day ....is that it was Just Another Day....
Around an unexpected dingy corner,was a window of overwhelming light,which brought from the midst of heaven,the passing stranger's very first sight.A simple handshake was the first touch,an exchange of words came right behind,since that moment of everyday magic,a new life entered the lonesome mind.The stranger carrying a divine gift,through a mental guard smiled his way,the present which was given to him,was a clean soul and a hopeful ray.Time swooned musically by,and made the bond grow deep,till the roots of the melodic cord,make fresh buds of smiles reap.The stranger found an identity,that of an irreplaceable friend,perhaps a bit more than that,a more which met an unpleasant end.The friend's title still remained,and so it will till forever more,before he left for distant lands,that is a promise by which he swore.An unending night-out and some tea,a silent tear and a gleaming smile,marked an era's definite finale,the passing stranger who stayed just a while,went further away, crossing many a mile...
I sincerely believe that everybody needs a few of those hide-out, hang-out places, where you can just be yourself, basically chill-out and never feel like getting up and leaving, some place that gives a homely feeling while you're away from home! Maybe i'm just a hopeless dreamer, or maybe its the affect of growing up watching "Friends" have their coffee at the Central Perk, but lately, the one place where I feel absolutely relaxed is a tiny little coffee place around the corner called Lino's Coffee.
My Monday mornings usually start with a hot cup of coffee at this cozy little café. Since no one's really crazy enough to wake up half an hour earlier on a Monday, just to have forty minutes of coffee-time...specially not in Italy, where the concept of a coffee is generally like a shot of concentrated "wake-up" caffeine which is gulped down in precisely 10 seconds...mornings are a quiet time, and I'm often the only ( crazy might I add...) customer at this hour. Of course, it starts filling up as soon as I enter...maybe I just add to the attraction....ha..in my dreams!..anyway...but its relatively quiet anyway. So I enter and usually find the comfy sofa in the corner near the entrance to place myself. I love this little corner of the shop, since I feel like I'm in my own private little corner, and can look out through the class walls of the café, and observe the morning buzz of the university surroundings. Then I go order my coffee, which by the way, is not an easy task. This place has like a million ( remember...i exaggerate..!) different types of coffee, and its quite a challenge to decide which one to take! Anyway, once i make my deliberated choice, I go to the bar counter and watch them make it. I'm even more enthusiastic about watching this process when there's the cute-coffee-guy behind the counter..hehe. Well anyway, after ogling at the cutie ( ...i *will* ask his name someday...), I take my coffee and go sit in my little corner. And then...I just sit...and watch.
Its amazing how relaxed one can feel with a coffee in hand and nothing to do! I look outside and watch people rush past ( yes...everyone's always late on Monday mornings!), I watch cars zip by, trams roll along and the typical 10 am hurry. I watch people come in the shop, chit-chat, then go off again. And this is one of the only times of the day, when I feel absolutely removed from the rush, when I can actually just sit back, settled into the cushioned sofa and enjoy people hurry along, while I take my time and enjoy sipping my creamy frothy coffee . I daze off and think about all I have to do that day, that week, that month, that year..(er... you get the picture) and surprisingly, don't get stressed and worked up or worried ( umm yes...usually thinking about the future is the perfect jerk that gets my nerves go all jittery and out of control!). I go into my own lost world of meandering wanderings, and sway into the clouded reveries of my idle mind.
Then, I'm usually snapped back to reality when a friend ( or friends...depending on who I can con into waking up early and meet me at Lino's) comes and stands in front of me, reminding me, oh i'm in a coffee place, but I actually have to get up and go to class which is in 15 minutes! So wearily, I get up and get my things, and get ready to walk out...but not without a last glance back at my lovely hide-out ( and uhm...looking to catch the cutie's eye while saying Ciao!) and close the glass door behind me...to begin another new day, with the same old crap!
As an 11 year old, I remember being driven across miles of desert in the heat of the summer months. Across the blazing horizon, everything seemed to be the same, with a light brown dusty tedium and occasional sandy dunes, which seemed to give the impression of absolute nothingness. Though I didnt know it then, somewhere deep in my psyche this continuance engrained itself, to be expressed much later in new staining colors. However, right when everything seemed to be dipped in mundane constancy of dust, straight down the grey tarry road, I used to notice what seemed like a clear water lake. The fiery sunlight seemed to punch the ground with all its might, and seemed to bounce back in an agressive retaliation. The water-like body seemed to contain a calmness which was in sync with the general mood of the desert, and yet was so sparkly and fresh-looking, that the heat of the mid-summer desert seemed to be swept by an Arctic breeze. I remember wanting to speed up the car, and drive right through the middle of this light-lake, wanted to be lapped up in its glittery light. My desire to touch the watery mirage increased with every single time when it seemed to distance itself from the advancing vehicle. The distance remained and my thirst for the mirage was left unquenched...Years later, looking at the clichéd "Big Picture", that thirst for the Mirage is still unquenched. With experience and repeated mistakes, i've learnt the basic lesson that there's always a Mirage in life, something that sparkles and attracts the naked eye. In the desert of everyday life, there's always that imaginary lake of light which tantalizingly invites me towards it. Its different from the rust and dust of routine, its schintillating brightness is a world apart from the suffocating dullness of repetitive days and nights and its inviting freshness has a welcoming warmth that is so enticing, one cant help but be blindingly drawn to it. There's however a blaring fact that gets overshadowed by the brightness of the Mirage. Its simplicity is often greyed in the presence of the glitter. Its the fact that, despite its enticing realism, in spite of its oasis attraction..it remains a trick, a misinterpretation of reality. In stark reality, its inexistent. No matter how much it resembles a lake of opportunities, the truth is that is a deception that the eyes and a hungry-for-more mind play on the naive eyes and the gullible heart. While the earth, sand, dusty road and flatness of the land are tangible and reachable, this figment of a mistaken reality is what really pulls me towards it. The sand and the heat touch me, swarm around me, and yet I overlook all this and chase after the only image that is inexistent. Over the years, and after many attempts at reaching this Mirage, the heart and the eyes have learnt their lesson. The glitter while still as bright, has been blanketed by the flying grains of sand. The desert has expanded and the road longer and wider. I still see the trick-oasis in the distance, but I've learnt to look away. I've come to accept the falseness of the ringer...though once in a while, that desire to grab hold of the sunshine-lake still arises and finds its way into the thirsty eyes. The thirst, which is now disguised with the water of acceptance, which is relieving, but still wanting what its thirsty for. The road extends long and wide, the heat slashes against the skin and the light is blinding...and the mirage stays...forever.
I'm in a very random thoughtful mood today. I was thinking ( yes, someone just told me thats always a good thing to do!), and as usual my mind was wandering into various different realms of my life. I have this annoying disobeying mind which chooses to travel to unnecessary distances and delve suffocatingly deep into strayed thoughts, only further complicating my already chaotic psyche...Today, this mind wandered into the real meaning of people in my life. Must admit, this is one of the favourite places for my mind to escape to. Whenever life becomes even slightly stressful and frustrating, this nomad of a mind goes seeking for refuge in the deep rooted issues that determine the very crux of my existence. So, in its prefered place again, the silly thing dug up all those hidden questions, sentiments, doubts and emotions about myself and the people around me. Issues that I consciously keep firmly at bay just came swirling back in through the open abyss that the mind provided for them...So here I am now...still looking for unanswerable questions...still searching for intangible solutions to completely mentally fabricated issues. I ask myself, what really Do people mean to me...and more importantly, or rather more selfishly...what do I mean to people I feel close to? How can I ever really know the answer to a question like this..and why i'm even asking this question is just beyond me! Its just one of those mysteries that you've just got to put faith on. No matter how much people say they love you and need you, there's no way to ever really get into their mind and get out their honest and pure feelings. Actions speak much louder than words, agreed, but what if even those actions are misleading? Even if they arent misleading, what if I just dont have enough understanding of people to interpret actions correctly? Many people have often told me that i'm naive and trusting. After the countless times that i've gotten to hear that I can very easily trust anybody, I genuinely want to find out how can one really measure the amount of trust to be given to a person? I agree, sometimes there are obvious reasons not to do it, like past evidence that goes against the simple criteria behind trusting the person. But mostly, its almost impossible to really tell whom to put ur trust on, and whom not to. The only way in that case, is to just go by your instincts, and then if you make mistakes, you learn by those mistakes and use that as extra evidence for the future. And after all this mental speculation, when I do finally place my trust on a person, I expect for that trust never to be broken. However, as i've learnt so far, life has this mind-boggling way of shaking things up just when u're starting to relax about a decision like that. So, the rest of the time is gone in the constant fear of this rock-solid trust being broken and in a nerve-wracking anticipation of the moment in which i'd regret having ever placed such a binding trust upon that person. Usually those who do break this blind trust, drift away from me and my life. The only real problem here is that, the more this thread of trust is broken, the more frayed the bond becomes, meaning that the more I encounter such situations, the more hesistant and resistant I become towards trusting people. The trickle of doubt is slowly growing into a ferocious sea of fear, which puts my mind into a tumultous storm. The same mind which went seeking for refuge is trapped into greater mazes of engulfing queries..leaving the issues at hand not solved, but in the midst of already entangled wires of unanswered issues. Anyways, for now, i'll cage my mind back into the nitty-gritty realities of worldy routines, and place the roots of my psyche back where they belong...dug deep in some remote corner, where they are safely stored till I can actually find some answers for them! Or, then again, maybe they're just better off let loose.......
